“Parents should be fine”

There should be parallels between management development and child rearing. Because what stands out about the new publication “Elternjahre” is the author: Reinhard K. Sprenger (69) is considered “Germany’s foremost management expert” and often writes books on management (a total of 1.8 million copies have been sold). And now comes a parenting guide.

He showed stubbornness early in his career after noticing a culture of infantilization as a young HR developer. On the other hand, it was clear to him, as he explained in a video interview with Blick: “We don’t have any training mandates for our employees.” He confused the layers of management with his demeanor – his theses were in opposition to the common strategies of corporate management.

Just don’t worry too much

The father of four sees parallels between managing adults and living with children, pointing to his first insight: “Excess care makes people small. This is especially true for adults, but also for relatively young children.”

But Sprenger thinks the differences are more important, such as being able to leave a team member when performance and evaluation are no longer correct. A child, on the other hand, cannot balance between giving and receiving: “I always give until a certain age.”

Family is also an issue in leadership coaching

Reinhard K. Sprenger stresses that he “definitely did not write his last book from a management consultant’s perspective,” and seems surprised that this book came out. “Elternjahre” is based on notes that Sprenger has “hidden” for 30 years, in his own words, and always trying to figure out what unites and separates his professional and private worlds. As a management expert, he was repeatedly asked about the topic of family.

An example: “After a few hours of coaching, a manager told me: ‘Mr. Sprenger, I can manage with the board to some extent. But with my daughter it is very bad!”” Suddenly it was about the girl and also the relationship of the manager. Consultant Sprenger says: “The things that really burn your soul are mostly private things and rarely the professional aspects.”

Since 2006 Reinhard K. Sprenger has been living in Winterthur ZH with his partner, who is the mother of his children. His relationship took advantage of his relocation from Germany to be closer to his family. Because from time to time they were happy to take over the children. That’s what sets his book apart from the flood of educational guides, he says: maintaining relationships. Parenting counselors often took a “fixed” look at the child. “What’s totally unusual is that parents have to be good, too,” Sprenger says. The main thesis of his book: “The well-being of parents is a prerequisite for the well-being of the child.”

The child as an “ego prosthesis”

According to the book’s author, parents often put their own needs first. Then they become “parents only”. In many families, the child has become an “ego prosthesis” for the parents: “The child is almost a shelter.” Parents took care of the child and wanted to develop him. “They claim it’s the best thing for the kid,” Sprenger says. He thinks this is problematic. Only the child himself can later understand what is right for him. “Reading this book will help parents set aside destructive arguments and enjoy the child more instead of constantly pushing it forward.”

Most children know that they develop well on their own. As a father, he had therefore repeatedly warned himself: “Don’t be overly responsible.” Parents made so many mistakes when they only wanted to do so much right. The child should learn to live without parents, without neglecting them, as early as possible. Parents would then be “good enough parents”. For Reinhard K. Sprenger, fatherhood means acting in gray areas: “It was important to me to maintain a balance between closeness and distance, firmness and submission. Knowing that balance is an illusion.”

Reinhard K. Sprenger, «The parent years. How to live with children without losing ourselves », DVA (2022).