This is why we often fall in love with the wrong person

Love sickness is one of the most unpleasant feelings there is. And yet we don’t always seem to learn from it. Many people are attracted to very specific qualities, whether external or personal, and therefore meet similar partners again and again. In an interview with Blick, psychologist and sexologist Caroline Fux explains what relationship deja vues is and reveals her top tips against love sickness.

Blick: A lot of people fall in love with the same type of person over and over. Is there a reason why we should look for something similar next time even if it doesn’t work with someone?
Caroline Fux: Why we like someone is a pretty complex thing. Maybe we find something in this person that we are consciously looking for. This could be an external feature, a hobby, a particular cultural background, or many other things. But then there are things that attract us that we are not even aware of. Sometimes it’s just body chemistry and our “reptilian brain”, the part of our brain that controls instincts and biological impulses, comes into play because it thinks that person can make healthy, wonderful offspring.

There are also psychological implications related to our personal history: We may consciously or unconsciously want to relive relationships we know from home. This can go wrong sometimes because not everything we copy is really clever and not good for us.

However, relationship déja vues is not just because we choose similar partners. Almost more important is that we always involve ourselves in the relationship. That’s where we’re going to thrive, but many people choose to look the other way, especially when it comes to problem behaviors. They think the relationship is not good because the other person is not the right person. We are often unaware of what we are doing in a negative way, and most of all, we make mistakes over and over again. Or we don’t want to understand it.

How to break this cycle?
It is very important to know yourself well, feel good about yourself and know what you want. Because only you can really impress yourself, and you should. When people come to counseling because a certain difficult relationship story keeps repeating itself, then we look in many directions: What exactly happened? Are there any references to your own past? What were your role models in love and relationships? Are you facing negative expectations or patterns? The most important thing in anything is that I try to be aware of what’s going on. If I understand how I mark, I can also influence my behavior.

Does it make sense to break this cycle and start a relationship with someone we normally don’t find attractive?
Of course you must have a desire for a particular person. And from this desire I understand a multifaceted thing: Do you feel good when you spend time together? Do you have the same ideas about life? Are you honest with each other and yourself? Are you curious about this person and all their aspects?

When people get stuck in a routine that seems to not work, I work with them to see how they can break the routine. There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you want, but it happens that some people have a very narrow idea of ​​what makes them happy and sabotage themselves with it.

Change is very important when you find yourself in relationships where you have been repeatedly mistreated. Basically, you’re not responsible for other people’s bad behavior, but if someone – I’ll say it outright now – keeps bumping into dirt, then the person has noted that perhaps they don’t deserve better. Or this belief grows because the person is exposed to physical or psychological violence. Then you should definitely get help.

5 expert tips against love sickness

If you’ve run into the wrong person again, Caroline Fux explains her best tips for dealing with love sickness:

1. knowing that it will pass No crisis lasts forever. You should always remember this.
2. Allow the emotions to arise. It’s okay to be sad or angry. Or paralyzed. Or completely blank. When you push the emotions away, they catch up with you.
3. Make a clean cut. Anyone who observes their ex on social media, repeatedly seeks or allows contact, always puts themselves first and reopens wounds.
4. Talking about it helps. This can be with someone you trust, or it can be with an expert. Many people feel that love sickness is a minor or teenage issue, but these can be really bad life crises. There is no shame in accepting help.
5. Take action, feel yourself and open up new perspectives. Walking, exercising, getting a massage or listening to music. None of these will magically make wounds go away, but they will aid healing.