Obsessed with love: This is why so many suffer from disability

Spring is just around the corner and with it the spring fever. For many people, falling in love is the most beautiful thing they experience in their lives. However, for some people, falling in love is pure torture, usually people suffering from disabilities.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe already wrote in his novel “The Sorrows of Young Werther” about a limerent relationship. Now the term has also reached social media. On TikTok, countless users candidly share their stories and how they suffer. What limerence is and how it is created can be found here:

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov wrote scientifically about limerence for the first time in her book ‘Love and Limerence’. In the 1970s she interviewed more than 500 people in love. She noticed a certain kind of crush: an overwhelming and irrational desire for someone else’s attention. She calls the phenomenon limerence.

In German it means something like “obsessive infatuation”. The person of desire is called the “limerent object” and the person affected is called the “limerent person”. Limerence is not essentially a mental disorder. However, there are parallels with obsessive-compulsive disorders and addiction.

Limerence is characterized by characteristics that are also known in ‘normal’ falling in love. However, with some limitation, the symptoms are very pronounced and those affected usually suffer from them.

In her book, Dorothy Tennov writes about three phases of limerence:

delirium: The first stage is characterized by the typical symptoms of limerence. These include physical symptoms such as flushing or palpitations. There is also excitement, obsessive thinking, obsession, sexual arousal and fear of rejection. Here, the inaccessibility of the limerent object can lead to an increase in these symptoms.

Crystallization: In the second phase the idealization of the limerent object begins. Those affected are completely excited and the crush seems flawless.

decay: In the third stage comes disillusionment. This is where you usually realize that your own obsession is not healthy. This can create a feeling of loss or great sadness.

Anyone who suffers from a disability makes themselves and their self-esteem dependent on others. You cannot choose who becomes a limerent object. These can be acquaintances, but also strangers who do not even know about the existence of the limerent. It gets especially bad when the limerent object keeps the limerent person “on the hook”. This means that those affected can be addicted for years.

On Reddit, some users discussed that Joe Goldberg from the hit series ‘You’ is a limerent person. Although it shows many characteristics of dependency, stalking and crime are not among its symptoms.

There is a significant difference between true infatuation and constraint. While true love is about getting to know a person and forming a bond, dependence is primarily characterized by pursuing and longing for someone. The limescale also disappears after a while. It often happens that the person concerned loses interest as soon as the limerent object starts to show interest.

The trigger for disability is usually found in childhood. For example, if there is an insecure bond with the parents and there is always a fight for attention and affection. But other traumas can also be the cause of this. Most of those affected also have attachment problems and are unable to form real romantic relationships.

People with ADHD in particular often suffer from limerence. People with ADHD often develop a hyperfocus on a specific subject. This hyperfocus can also be directed at people and therefore become a limitation. As the ADHD journal Additudemag writes, an ADHD brain releases less dopamine. However, a limerent object increases waste. People with ADHD can literally become addicted to their limerent object.

As sex therapist Cate Mackenzie confirms to Brides, the disability can be combatted. «Underneath the limitation lies the fear of being alone with yourself. “Self-love is usually lacking here,” says the psychologist. “This can change if you set boundaries and establish rules of behavior to treat yourself better. That means paying attention to your diet, resting, maintaining friendships, exercising, sleeping and meeting your basic needs.”