When you go to see your husband, don’t forget the baguette? The very strange 12th season is here!

Simone Meier

Hallelujah, I saw a pair of Birkenstocks! Not just in the movie “Barbie”, no, also in the new “Bachelor”! And not just like that or as a horror challenge, but on the run from a lady! Could it be that, especially in the biotope of maximum artificial body optimization, where no one loves themselves as much as nature allows them, reason has also found its way? Or just normal physical kindness?

And could it be that I still don’t fully understand the expression “on fleet”? Or is it? Lady Tanja, 33, certainly likes to use it. Personally, I always think about fruit flies, I have no idea why.

And here we are once again in the middle of the battle between true and false values. This concerns tattoos that are difficult to remove from your skin and makeup that you can remove. Lady Tanja thinks that Lady Lea, 23, is – well, what? We are here on the “Bachelor”, there is exactly one answer! – completely “fake”. Because? Too much makeup!

Okay, Lea certainly uses a lot of it, but especially Tanja, a kind of Snow White from the gym world of Basel, doesn’t use one either. So when is too much, too much? And is that important?

At this point I have a confession to make: my love life thinks I would still be suffering from brain fog, my brain would still be in a fog over the swamps of a country called Corona, but I thought, okay, myself. residual brain fog I can do the “Bachelor”. Maybe I was wrong.

Anyway, when I first saw the neo-bachelor and sincere Brazilian Fabrizio, I didn’t think to myself: “Wow, beautiful blue eyes, wow, so blue! And it’s southern! And Big! Wow! The blue!”, like about 18 of the 18 ladies. No, I didn’t notice Fabrizio’s eyes at all, my gaze kept sliding down and down and I thought to myself, “Holy shit, sequins! When will I ever own something with as many sequins on it as Fabrizio’s suit?”

I think Fabrizio, 33, is quite okay. Maybe even the best bachelor so far. Visually an eye-catcher. Sweet smile. Would also have a great chance in the gay scene. Definitely not a pig in character. It’s cute how he vacuums his six-year-old daughter’s room with a man-made vacuum cleaner (why do men need vacuum cleaners that look like machine guns? Ah, stupid question, because they look like machine guns). What he says about her is sincere. He is the first father-bachelor.

I forget what he does for a living (Brainfog), but he has a hobby, which is music, more specifically rap. Somehow, inside every man there is a rapper who can speak at least fluently and likes to vacuum with a machine gun. Fabrizio does not really describe himself as a rapper, ‘but as an artist’. Wow. Wow. But that’s just how it is. ‘Artist’ is always a matter of perspective. And wasn’t it Joseph Beuys who said in the 1960s: “Every monk is an artist”?

The ladies have their own expectations. “Artist” is not listed. In addition to “tall, muscular, athletic, intelligent, southern, dark hair,” it also includes “promising.” Please? Does anyone know the meaning of ‘remarkable’? It probably has to do with adrenaline, action and all that. Fabrizio sees himself this way: “I’m really a Reball!” And: “The pirate in me is open.” For the adventure of a lifetime, of course.

And? Will he find her, the great love he is looking for, just like the eleven Bachelors before him? Will it be Nuria, 23, with the forked tongue? Please stop sticking your tongue out without warning! Is that how they do it in Schaffhausen? Real? Lidia, 37, on the other hand, wants to appear extremely smart and says that the baguette she brought symbolizes the carrot and stick and that she now expects the stick from the bachelor. Hmmmmm.

Will it be Bea, 22, the blonde, bisexual Brazilian who says that if she doesn’t like the bachelor, she knows how to have fun with the other candidates? Bea also has a very sweet smile under all her makeup.

Or how about the natural redhead Ann-Lia, 21, from Grenchen, a figure whose rare elegance is reminiscent of Jessica Chastain? Ann-Lia has two large wings tattooed on her back, which amazes Fabrizio to no end. But he also thinks the ‘taties’ of tattoo model Verena are ‘really beautiful’!

Or will it be the petite Austrian Julia, 21, who not only dances with glued-on eyelashes and long nails, but also plays a ukulele and can also sing a bit? Is there an artist that matches the artist Fabrizio? N/A? Would Tanja like to comment on Julia? Clearly! “Julia is just a fake!” It is clear that the villains in old Swiss films always came from Basel.

Samantha immediately steps out of the limousine dressed as a bride, which causes the Bachelor to have a mild panic attack, but hey, a statement is a statement, and that impresses him too. “If you have a good Chopkino, I can produce with the Chleid.” As we have known at least since Jean-Luc Godard’s Le Mepris with Brigitte Bardot, the presence or absence of certain clothes leads to brutal mental cinema. Even in the cinema!

Rina from Portugal, Bern, appears with a golden watering can with which she showers herself: “I didn’t thank you for being so hot,” she says, having clearly memorized it.

The others are characterized by a confusing appearance and different sized flaps. But hey! We will spend a lot of time with them! We will learn what tragedy lies behind Rosa’s tattoo inscriptions “Blessed” and “God”. We will find out what it was like when the teenager Fäbu was “innocently in custody”.

There will be sad stories of loss, illness, bad loves, the ladies will write things on mirrors with lipstick and indulge in intrigues and in between there will be false and real attempts at love. And of course an orgy led by Beas Ver is now expected. Ah yes, there are only 16 left now. Lady Lea and a Bianca from Chur had to leave.

You were doing well. Fog candles already flicker pale through my brain fog, and when we meet again, this is where brutal perspective will reign supreme.