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Emilia Roig was married herself – including a dream wedding. Now she is divorced, in a relationship with a woman, and she is convinced that heterosexual marriage causes women to be exploited and oppressed.

In her book The End of Marriage. For a revolution of love,” she advocates liberating women from the dependence on men into which they often fall through marriage.

In an interview with Watson, she explains why people still get married and why there might still be hope for some marriages.

Let’s go straight to the provocative title of your book “The End of Marriage”: Do you think marriage destroys love?

Emily Roig: I wouldn’t generally say that marriage destroys love. But the institution of marriage destroys many forms of love or makes it more difficult to live and allow other forms of love. And love definitely doesn’t need marriage to blossom.

According to statistics, every third marriage ends in divorce. Why do people still get married?

If before purchasing an apartment it was predicted that there would be a 30 percent chance that it would no longer be habitable after ten years, then no one would buy any more apartments. But marriage is different. People go into marriage with the belief that it will be different for them. That their love will be stronger than other people’s and that their relationship is the exception.

There are also many benefits, including tax benefits, that make it wise to get married. That’s why people keep getting married. Then there’s the phenomenon of following the others: if the first couples in your circle of friends get married, then all the other couples get married too. When the first child comes, the others all have a child too. Social norms are reproduced through this imitation.

But marriage can also have benefits. It is intended to ensure that women, especially women with children, are financially secure.

Still, I would advise many women in the current situation to get married, because then they are sure. But I find these benefits a bit bizarre: In what society is marriage the only way for women to be financially secure? This shows how deeply unfair and unequal our society is.

Divorce often means major financial problems for women…

We need to look: what can we do so that women are not dependent on being financially dependent on a man? It is absurd to me how much the financial dependence of women has become normalized in our society. We think that’s perfectly normal, even in the 21st century. We think we are very modern, but men would never accept that they are collectively financially dependent on women. Why? Financial power is general power in our society. Financial power also gives men structural, political and economic power. Many women do not notice this and also normalize it.

What should change to free women from this dependence on men?

Women should exempt themselves and not expect someone else to do it. The issue of safety in a divorce creates a great inhibition to break up or even think about it. One requirement would be to address this financial inequality within marriages. This is, for example, the person who stays at home or can do less paid work because he or she takes care of the children. She should be entitled to a share of the salary of the other who earns more. But during the marriage and not after.

You should say: How much care work did this person do so that the other could work – and then they are entitled to this money. And the pension equalization must also take place within the marriage. So that if the wife wants to divorce, she can do so without fear. Many women often do not know exactly what their husbands earn or how much they are entitled to in the event of a divorce. It shouldn’t be taboo.

It seems that many women struggle with the visualization and distribution of mental load…

Mental strain is the same as care work. This is work that is not noticed until it is not done. This work is not appreciated or recognized – not only in romantic relationships but also in society. Emotional work, including in friendships, at work and in the family, is usually invisible. But it is mainly the women who ensure that all needs are met and that harmony reigns. That the father is not in a bad mood and the mother is not too busy. And this work is not made visible. If men don’t understand what emotional work is, we should stop doing it. And then you probably realize what it means.

You demand that care work should be rewarded. I agree with that. But that would be priceless…

There must be some form of payment as part of existence. Sure, care work is so valuable that you can’t put it in money. But how many other things are not “tangible” under capitalism and are still paid for, and very well? Besides, you can’t live on love alone. So we have to find a way to get her paid.

What questions should a woman ask herself before getting married?

The first question would be: can you talk about money and care objectively, honestly and at eye level? Without it becoming embarrassing or too emotional? Do you feel able to ask for the work you do? The second question is: how is the work divided if we don’t have children yet?

Why would you ask yourself this question?

It’s hard because sometimes you think everything is fine. And from the moment children are born, everything changes and the care work is multiplied. One should ask: how are we to arrange this so that none of us are worse off? If a woman says: I would like to stay at home and take care of the children, then she should not be in a worse financial position than her husband, because they are also his children. And that should be possible without being penalized financially. And the most important question: why do we want to get married at all?

But if you are already married, can you still change the relationship without it breaking up?

There are a lot of men out there trying to take a real interest in it, and that shouldn’t be hidden. But that also means that you really have to miss out on certain privileges to some extent. The problem is: are people as a couple willing to forego these tax benefits and organize care work in an egalitarian way? As long as both want it.

The second part of your book title is: «For a revolution of love». What would such a revolution look like for you?

Friendships should take up more space because they are so important. Without them we wouldn’t survive. Friendships need more recognition, more time and more space in our lives. And that is lacking in our society because the superiority of couples is so strong. Romantic couples are considered the best and happiest relationship. This means that friendships or other kinds of relationships can be sacrificed for this one relationship. I think that’s wrong.