“If you look out this window, you see the star,” says Nadine*, stretching her arm to the sky. She received the coordinates of the star as a star baptism for the birth of her daughter – her star daughter.
Children who died before, during or shortly after birth are called star children, more rarely butterfly or angel children.
About two years ago, Nadine had to let go of her only child. Three months before giving birth, she felt her fetus’ heart stop beating while she was still in the womb.
She suspected this might happen. A few weeks earlier, she had been told that her daughter was unable to survive. Ultrasound images showed an open spine, a displaced heart.
Even the road to pregnancy is rocky, says the Bern resident. The circumstances between Nadia and her husband are not optimal. The couple is therefore using a number of treatment options in reproductive medicine, including various artificial insemination (IVF) treatments.
“I didn’t want hormone cocktails, so I opted for a natural IVF method.” To increase the chance of pregnancy, IVF-Naturelle initiates ovulation with an injection – hormone treatments are largely avoided. But the problem with Nadine: “I always ovulated way too early. So the eggs could not be found.”
After four attempts, the couple switched to the classic IVF method. Not a pleasant experience for Nadine: “I was pumped full of hormones that I had to inject myself every day – while I was working on the toilet. It felt like a drug addiction.”
The treatment works. Dozens of eggs can be collected. One of them is used, the rest is frozen.
Nadine becomes pregnant.
However, in the tenth week of pregnancy, she develops an anal abscess, an acute inflammation that requires emergency surgery. The operation leads to an early abortion. “Before the operation, the heart stopped beating,” says Nadine.
“Finally, it worked out with the pregnancy — and then that.”
Nadine is not alone in this experience. It is estimated that every fifth pregnancy in Switzerland ends in miscarriage, most in the first three months. There are no official figures because a miscarriage cannot be reported. According to the Swiss Department of Child Loss, malformations in the child and the placenta are the most common reasons.
The couple must first process this shock.
Nadine narrowly avoided blood poisoning and lost her long-awaited child. The pain runs deep. “We already have feelings and a bond.”
Nadine feels empty inside. “It was like a breakup, a break from something you didn’t know but still loved.”
This stroke of fate brought the couple even closer together. They want to use artificial insemination again. Another frozen egg is used. Nadine becomes pregnant again.
Despite the pain, there is hope.
This time fear is the constant companion during pregnancy. “In the back of my mind was always the thought that my child’s heart would suddenly stop beating.”
When Nadine lies on the patient’s bed in the 13th week of pregnancy and the gynecologist runs the ultrasound probe over her abdomen, the fear becomes reality.
The research suggests trisomy 18, a serious developmental disorder caused by a chromosomal abnormality.
A world collapses for the couple. Again.
But nothing is final yet.
Further investigations are pending. More weeks of pregnancy pass. Nadine has to go to check-ups every week. The couple hopes, the couple doubts. The situation is traumatizing.
Abortion. The word abortion keeps cropping up. “When nothing was certain, we were already advised to have an abortion. That bothered us enormously,” says Nadine.
“In the twentieth week…”
Tears run down Nadine’s cheeks.
“Sorry,” she says with a giggle. She wipes her tears with a towel and continues talking.
“In the twentieth week we received a final message that our baby is not viable and will most likely be stillborn.”
Nadine has yet to give birth to her child normally. This is the rule in Switzerland for advanced pregnancy. “It was unimaginable at first,” says Nadine, “we were overwhelmed and the thought of a normal birth, possibly a stillbirth – unimaginable”. “Only with the grief counseling did we understand how important this process is.”
The fetus is still moving in Nadine’s belly. Yet something in her has already died. She feels empty inside.
Every year, several hundred couples in Switzerland experience this emptiness, this powerlessness. According to the Federal Statistical Office (BFS), an average of 355 stillbirths per year have been recorded in Switzerland over the past five years. One speaks of a stillbirth when a stillborn child weighs at least 500 grams or is born after completion of the 22nd week of pregnancy. These children are entitled to a burial and must be registered.
The couple is on the waiting list for a due date. Nadine has no priority. “We were aware of that and yet it was incredibly difficult for us. We were scared, sad, but also hopeful.” The night before the appointment, Nadine notices that her fetus has stopped moving. She will never get to know her child alive.
On March 12, 2021, Ameljia was stillborn. “In hindsight, it was the right decision to give birth the normal way, even though it was an incredibly sad and painful experience to experience birth and farewell so close to each other,” says Nadine. “We were allowed to hold her in our arms, say goodbye to her, we were overwhelmed and full of love for her. As a reminder, a photographer took pictures.”
The name is derived from the American aviation pioneer Amelia Earhart. “We thought a strong female name would fit well. Both are fighters,” says Nadine with watery eyes.
One speaks of a stillbirth when a child is born dead or silent. It’s anything but quiet in the maternity ward. “I was in the usual maternity ward with other pregnant women and kept hearing the sounds of other ‘Bebes’.”
A particularly painful experience for a mother who has just had to say goodbye to her child.
It’s not just this one unfortunate situation.
“A few days after the birth, I picked up the urn and a woman with a newborn baby ran up to me. It felt like someone was stabbing a dagger in my heart.”
After the stillbirth, Nadine is at a dead end.
“I am a very strong person. I always have been. But then I thought: I can’t do that anymore.”
Nadine and her husband try to distract themselves. Legally, Nadine is not entitled to 4 months maternity leave. Ameljia was born in the 22nd week. Yet she then takes a break, does a boat test and refurbishes her boat. “It was a healing process for us. We were so drained, we had to do something.” She also receives psychological care.
“In the beginning I suffered from a post-traumatic disorder. I couldn’t remember. Had forgotten everything. My head was empty,” says Nadine.
But life has gotten out of hand not only for her, but also for her husband. “The men are often forgotten in this process,” emphasizes the now 40-year-old. “You suffer too.”
The couple did not want to go through the same thing again. “We are healthy, we have each other. You can’t have everything in life.”
Both are better today. “We have a deep relationship and friendship with each other. This experience has forged us together.” But they are still in the settlement process.
“The pain will always remain. As a reminder, I wear a ring with a stone from Ameljia’s ashes, so I feel close to her,” says Nadine. Especially when Ameljia’s birthday approaches, she has a hard time. She takes comfort in the fact that she was allowed to be pregnant and they have a child with Ameljia, even though she is gone. “She was only with us for a short time, but forever in our hearts.”
*Name changed by editors.
source: watson
I’m Maxine Reitz, a journalist and news writer at 24 Instant News. I specialize in health-related topics and have written hundreds of articles on the subject. My work has been featured in leading publications such as The New York Times, The Guardian, and Healthline. As an experienced professional in the industry, I have consistently demonstrated an ability to develop compelling stories that engage readers.
