Infidelity in relationships: These are typical reasons for infidelity

It is interesting. When you ask people what’s important to them in a relationship, “loyalty” is always pretty high on the list. At the same time, surveys show that about one in three people in Germany have cheated at some point in their lives (e.g. here or here).

The only logical conclusion seems to be that very few cheaters commit infidelity out of conviction. So why then? Especially those who have been cheated on before will never let go of the question. But it’s not so easy to answer, says Julia Henchen.

She is a sexologist in Baden-Württemberg and author of the book Lustfaktor. In an interview with Watson, she reports on what she observes in her work with couples.

“The question that is always behind an infidelity is: How did it come about? Pursuing this question is important in couples therapy and burns especially on the soul of the betrayed, ”says Julia. «Why someone cheats is very individualbut there have been extensive studies on the subject and some key criteria have already emerged.”

Henchen also mentions the research team led by Dylan Selterman of the University of Maryland, who identified eight main reasons for infidelity:

The bottom line is that the answer she hears the most, but is as simple as it is complicated, is: “Whoever cheats, often misses something”, says the sex educator. What exactly is often not clear, even to those who deceived them. “I often hear: ‘I didn’t feel seen. I didn’t feel loved. I felt limited.’»

At first it sounds like the partner is primarily responsible, but that’s a misconception, Julia explains: “When you probe deeper, it often turns out, interestingly enough, that the ‘deceiver’ no longer loves the person he is even has become in the relationship; so he or she argues with himself and tries to break out on that path.”

An outburst that can have devastating consequences for the relationship. In most cases, the cheating person did not consciously want to hurt his partner, but mainly wanted to break out of his relationship ego.

A complete divorce was often not really desirable. With exceptions, as Julia reports: «Some people would rather cheat than actively break up and thus unconsciously bring about a separation.”

A certain dissatisfaction with oneself within the relationship is therefore common. “Then there are factors that promote infidelity: Unsatisfied sexual needs, alcohol, a big fight» says Julia. “But those are usually not the causes,” the therapist concludes, “but only adding fuel to the fire.”