What’s behind why you find “Bad Boys” and “Femme Fatales” attractive?

There has always been a type of person who ruined everything in the world of love, drove the other person crazy and left broken hearts. Casanova, Bad Boy, Femme Fatales, Vamp – they are all names for one and the same phenomenon.

Charismatic people characterized by exuding sex appeal, promising excitement and not following rules. Approaching someone without inhibition and yet being unreachable.

Far away from the stable, healthy relationship we have officially wish, we throw ourselves into ruin before them. And at the end, when you have to pick up the pieces of your life again and all the nice love options have finally been chased away, you ask yourself: what on earth makes these people so attractive, so irresistible?!

“That’s the eternal question, isn’t it?” says Christian Hemschemeier. He is a psychologist and relationship therapist, and also coaches in online courses. Watson talked to him about the sex appeal of unstoppable troublemakers.

In principle, he says, it’s far from pathological to find someone attractive who is scandalous and sexy at the same time: “Whether you should worry about that or not depends a bit on how strong that attraction is.”

Rather, it is human nature to be interested in someone who is causing a stir. “Many would probably say they are more attracted to a femme fatale than a gray mouse, because these women seem surprising and interesting,” Hemschemeier explains. “That promises tension and excitement. The principle obviously applies to all genders.”

So we hope that these people will make our lives more exciting. That’s not bad at all. On the contrary. In fact, these wild women and men often enrich those around them, as Hemschemeier explains:

“But”, and that is where the problem begins, says the psychologist, he often hears from clients that “they find nothing in between.” Or the men are ‘assholes’ or ‘way too nice’. Anyone thinking about this should not check the quality of the singles sports, but rather their own perceptions.

There are certainly reliable people who are very exciting. However, these ‘safe choices’ are often rejected by the group mentioned above – a dilemma of their own making. The therapist says matter-of-factly, “If you prefer action and sexy games and find partners who are willing to compromise, don’t be surprised if love experiences end unhappily.”

But why are ‘nice’ people often so invisible on the singles market? Hemschemeier believes that behind the popularity of naughty boys and girls lies a very general problem in our society, as he explains:

Once life and love settle down and develop in a more steady and planned way, these people would be “stricken by enormous doubts,” he says. “So they torpedo themselves.”

He warns that these external factors, the tension, the fear of loss and the euphoria surrounding an exciting partner, have very little to do with love. “It’s all pseudo-emotional. It feels super intense, but it doesn’t go deep,” he warns. «Rebellious people are more likely to indulge this superficial drama addiction. That is why it is in high demand.”

In principle, you can’t even blame Bad Boys and Femme Fatales for behaving exactly as expected of them. “Interestingly, it’s not the case that all singles ‘fall for’ toxic people,” he reports from his practice, “in fact, those affected are usually actively looking for people who will cause them heartbreak. It’s really crazy.”

There are patterns behind this that can be broken therapeutically in the event of hardship. Furthermore, many people have the false belief that the stubborn person will change at some point – through the power of love.

It is a primal motif in literature and film that women and men love: the inaccessible man who becomes soft. The promiscuous woman who saves a committed relationship. “See ’50 Shades of Grey,’ see ‘Pretty Woman,'” Hemschemeier says.

“People just find that incredibly romantic. It would also be an ego booster if they could eventually tame it,” says the therapist, clearly warning:

It would be about recognizing why you need this sensation in the first place and finding a way to allow it elsewhere in your life. What attracts me to this drama? Who do I want to prove something to? How can I express this energy professionally, athletically or creatively?

Living a passionate life yourself, but offering a stable relationship in return, ‘that would be so much healthier and smarter’, the therapist emphasizes, because ‘a ‘bad boy’ will never change…’