“How do I get my boyfriend and I to have more sex?”

Best advice from the wise

I urgently ask for your advice. My partner (m29) and I (f28) have been in a happy relationship for four years, but have only had sex rarely in the past two years (about half a time every two months).

Despite intensive discussions, we have not yet succeeded in solving the problem. We struggle to find the right moment, feel uncomfortable during foreplay and motivation is low because the sex is no longer good.

We simply cannot ‘start’.

Our relationship started as a friendship-plus and at the time it was unthinkable that we would ever end up in a sexless relationship. Of the two of us, I’m the one who needs and wants more sex, it’s always been that way. I used to give oral a lot and now I don’t enjoy doing it that much anymore. Today I just don’t feel fulfilled enough… I guess… I also regularly sent him revealing photos when I was working (until about three years ago). So from the toilet I just pulled up my sweater and dropped off.

I also wrote to him when I suddenly felt like it and I stopped doing both because he didn’t feel comfortable with it. He then thought I was longing for someone at work and was afraid someone would see me taking the photos. Attempts to establish regular times for intimacy have failed, as has the use of sexy underwear. The set times were too sterile and the sexy underwear didn’t work because I often walked around naked and wore nice underwear and it lost its appeal. Unfortunately, I have nothing in store for seduction other than nice underwear.

Unfortunately, my partner doesn’t exactly have a talent for seduction either. Our relationship is based on laughing together and that somehow clashes with being sexy… We tried many other things, but nothing helped. We just feel weird being together in such a way that we could ‘get started’. Currently our intimacy is limited to showering together, sleeping naked, cuddling and kissing. Our next step would be relationship therapy.

We are both convinced that we can make it through this somehow and that the relationship is too important and too good to give up. Maybe one of you can still help.

Do you have any tips or can you share your own experience? The comment column is open to you!

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