Compulsory heterosexuality: am I actually homosexual?

You say you love men but avoid any sexual relationship with them? If you had a crush on a boy, was it usually just a fictional character? Maybe you’re a lesbian woman suffering from Comphet Syndrome – that’s what videos on Tiktok are currently saying.

The term compulsory heterosexuality, or Comphet for short, is well known in the public debate. At its core, the debate is about the thesis put forward by the American feminist Adrienne Rich in her 1980 essay “Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence”.

She suspected that people often pursue heterosexual sexuality only because it is expected of them and ultimately even of themselves. Originally this phenomenon affected lesbian women, but in principle any other sexuality that deviates from the heterosexual norm could also be affected.

The hype surrounding the phenomenon is enormous. So is there any truth to this theory? Do heterosexual norms keep us from finding our true sexual nature? In short: Am I not actually straight and just don’t get it yet?

We spoke about this with Andrea Bräu. She is a relationship and sex therapist in Munich and works as a consultant for the portal “Ashley Madison”.

Bräu finds the term rather pejorative. “Translated, that probably means: having to be compulsively heterosexual,” says the expert. The question of whether you can actually be influenced by this is in itself ‘difficult because we are influenced by everything and everyone’.

Naturally, there are divisions of roles in the father-mother-child games in the daycare center, but the representation of a colorful and cheerful LGBTQ+ community, which serves as a counterbalance to this, also has “a very concrete message”. The sexologist says:

Nevertheless, the absolute majority of people certainly grow up with the understanding – implemented directly and indirectly by society – that it is fundamentally normal for a man to love a woman and vice versa.

This “norm” has so much influence that it can even distort our self-perception. At first you think you’re straight, you start dating the opposite sex just like everyone else in your clique, but you wonder why you don’t like sex. The problem: You may not even think about trying out same-sex love or even questioning your own sexuality.

This conscious and unconscious positioning can have serious consequences for your life, as the relationship therapist reports:

These people would only provide for their own needs ‘in secret’, Bräu reports. But what exactly is behind it when someone completely denies their own sexual inclinations for a long time – in any direction – is still too complex and individual to be broken down in a TikTok-like way.

For example, several “late lesbians” have posted explanatory videos there, which may be clues to the #Comphet syndrome, usually based on their own experiences. These include the following examples:

However, such so-called criteria make it too easy for yourself, says Andrea Bräu on this subject. After all, homosexuals also get bored when they have sex with each other or cuddle with a girlfriend or boyfriend. “The question is more about who I want to be deep down,” says the therapist. And that ‘as judgement-free as possible’.

American sex therapist Paul Nelson also agrees. He asks the community to stop with the constant labels and sexual categories. “No one is 100 percent heterosexual,” he says. But this finding is nothing new.

The only important thing is that you don’t let anyone (neither society nor Tiktokers) put you in a box where you don’t feel comfortable at all. This applies to both the label “Comphet” and the label “Hetero”.