Relationship expert: ‘It is a ‘classic’ moment to break up’

No heart seems safe at the moment: your best friend and his fiancée have split up after ten years, the Hollywood dream couple par excellence Sofía Vergara and Joe Manganiello also want to go their separate ways and you may even be doubting whether your relationship is going well. is. is really something for you. Since it’s easier to rationalize emotions than actually feel them, we asked the relationship expert what’s going on.

Everyone seems to be breaking up at this point. Is there something in the air?
Martina Rissi: I share this impression. In my practice I see many couples who currently want to separate. And while this doesn’t necessarily mean a breakup, the past few weeks have tested many romantic relationships.

Why is that?
Many different factors can be at play here, but it’s actually a “classic” time to end relationships.

What do you mean?
I notice that there are times throughout the year when couples increasingly want to break up. For example, after the holidays – in January and February – and also in September and October, when the joint summer holidays are over.

Why exactly?
A father or mother will probably not want to announce the divorce just before Christmas or the joint summer holidays. In addition, Christmas and summer holidays mean more stress for a couple’s relationship, because you spend more time together and are more intense – this also makes problems more apparent.

Do you allow yourself to be infected by such ‘waves of separation’?
I don’t believe that an intact relationship fails because many couples eventually break up. But I am convinced that it can give you courage and hope if you observe many people in your environment or in public who are currently breaking up. This may be the final push to make the decision that was previously difficult for you.

In your expert opinion, what are the first signs that a couple is not compatible in the long term?
If the values, life plans and demands of the relationship are far apart, the relationship is on a rather shaky foundation.

What are the signs that it could work?
To make a relationship work, it is important to know yourself well and know what makes you happy, and the ability to give that to yourself. It is also supportive if both partners are willing and able to communicate openly and work on the relationship and themselves.

But these are a few points…
Simply put, it takes two people who understand that a relationship takes work and are willing and able to do something about it.

What are the most common reasons for a breakage?
In practice, I often hear things like, “He doesn’t love me enough,” “She doesn’t understand me,” or “If he loved me, he would do things differently.” In my opinion, it is important to do some deeper research into this: if issues underlying the frustration are not addressed and addressed early and thoroughly, the problems can worsen further with additional strain on the relationship – such as having children together and a lack of mating time. What many people don’t know is that the failure of a relationship often has more to do with their own personal problems than with their partner.

What do you mean?
Unconscious thinking, relationship and behavior patterns from our past – especially from our childhood or ex-relationships – influence our lives and especially our love lives. We repeat these patterns unconsciously until we eventually become aware of them and ideally we actively work on them. If you don’t do this, there is a good chance that we will face the same or similar problems again with our next partner.

How do you change these patterns sustainably?
In principle, self-observation and the related awareness of your own behavioral patterns in relation to negative emotions are essential. The support of a specialist can be helpful in identifying so-called ‘blind spots’. Recognizing and satisfying unmet needs from the past is highly effective for self-love – which is the foundation of any happy relationship.

And if it doesn’t work out: how do you end a relationship?
Ideally, the divorce does not come out of nowhere and the problems and unmet needs have already been discussed extensively and repeatedly in advance, the couple has tried out changes and then discussed them. If, despite all efforts, a common path becomes impossible for one person, it is important to calmly seek conversation. The intention to divorce must and may be clearly expressed. Both partners must have a say in the implementation of the divorce. It is not uncommon for divorce counseling to be worthwhile, especially when children are involved.