Lukas Berfuss on the federal budget: fat uncle

My first thanks go to the staff. From production to administration and sales, they work carefully, conscientiously and punctually. They demonstrate their exceptional results every day. Ambitions do not give rest. They are not satisfied with what they have achieved. You’ll see fewer ham sandwiches these days. That’s what vegan delicacies are for. And you can improve your coffee by adding cow’s milk, just as before, but today also adding soy and oats.

The bakery is exemplary and serves as a model for the Swiss economy. Her care and love for her work made her successful and popular. We will measure success.

The numbers prove it. Every year we do better. Our income is increasing. We increase the ratio of effort to income. Significantly improve productivity. With this work ethic, we don’t have to fear competition. We take on the whole world.

However, there is no money in the treasury of the Swiss Federal Bakery. As is known. It was as if someone was treating themselves to free walnut croissants and Swedish cakes in the window. Or just climb into the box. How can it be? Where does the coal go?

Not for employees. They are suffering. They are becoming poorer. Anyone who has a family has problems in Switzerland. Even with training, two incomes are barely enough until the end of the month.

If employees don’t have money, then who has it? The baker’s wife, master? Karin Keller-Sutter doesn’t want to know anything about it. She doesn’t even allow you to ask a question. But she knows the solution: if there is not enough money, the federal bakery will have to save it.

The 2024 budget debate in federal parliament was terrible. Horrible. Nothing for weak nerves. When you read the minutes of the council, you enjoy a piece of cream. But no matter how terrible the present may seem, the future will be even worse. The prospects are dire. Horrible. Structural deficit. Reduce costs. Engage the economy brake. The belt is tighter. In education, starvation. This is the recipe.

Funding for AHV beyond 2030 is unsecured. Plus the international situation. Apocalyptic. Head Baker Keller-Sutter in the original audio, slightly shortened: “Disturbing events. Interest rates are rising and loans are not being funded. Financing was carried out in a fragile economy – China sends greetings. The debt is increasing.” Oh.

Parliament National Bakery is picking up flour and sticky heads of dough. Greens humbly: Why are you looking at us? Nationalists grumble: It’s a mess! Reduce the state quota, clean out the leftist administration, don’t feed foreigners, that’s all! We put the liberals and the center to sleep: be careful, please. Not too much, just calm, we can handle it. Keep your sanity. Bite off the nut top! Carry on, don’t ask stupid questions. Left: Humbly grieving, smoothing out the breakage in the corner and wiping the remains from his mouth.

But now we know: in the evening, after the store closes, my uncle appears in the bakery. He gets a good share of his daily earnings. For the Federal Bakery, the exact amount for the decade from 2010 to 2020 is 399,053,000,000.

This CHF 400 billion is an increase from category 11 in the “Swiss Personal Wealth Statistics” of the Federal Tax Administration. The average wealth of this category is 39 million francs. Only half a percent of taxpayers can consider themselves fat guys. Over these ten years they increased their share of all assets by eight percent. Uncle now eats 34 nut tops out of 100. He was already fat, now he’s fat, uncle.

But why do you allow him to capture the nut peaks and Karax? This is harmful and unfair! Reply in the original form from the Baker in Chief, no acronyms: “To get in front of people and say that we have a spending problem, but that taxes need to be increased now – and of course, in an environment where health insurance premiums are rising, rent payment Growth, at which we also have a certain level of inflation, is, of course, not justified.

True. This is not justified. Because there are no problems with expenses. And only three percent of the so-called people are fat guys whose throats could easily be stuffed with a few smaller Schlossberg balls. And every year more baked goods are added. Uncle demands more and more scoundrels and donuts. Uncle is insatiable. Soon the master baker allows him to quietly eat a quarter of all the cream slices, croissants and Spanish rolls.

What about the employees? Hardworking, punctual, attentive and patient. They rarely contradict the master baker. Finally they seem to have learned courage. Two weeks ago, almost 60 percent received several dry fitness sandwiches from their uncle from yesterday – the 13th AHV pension. This is tantamount to rebellion.

But in most cases: leave the fat guy alone! We need him! He is a role model for us. Thick is beautiful. We all want to get fat. This is the credo of the country, this is how the wife of a seventh generation baker responds to picky employees. A fat uncle is more important than smart children. That’s why we save on education. Fat guy is more important than climate protection. Fat uncle is more important than national defense. Isn’t Putin a fat guy too? And what about the overweight guy from UBS and the shortbread cookies from the CS sale: 30 billion, personally decorated by master baker Karin, completely coated. What is compelling about this treatment is that the thinner we become, the more handsome our fat uncle becomes due to his obesity.

Workers? They are afraid of their uncle. If you don’t want to give him more snails, you’ll have to listen to something: the debt brake, competitiveness, tax location, government quota, socialism, piggyback. The fear is exaggerated, but not unfounded.

Don’t underestimate the fat guy. He is on good terms with the master baker. What if she throws you out on the street? Then maybe you’ll be glad to have your fat uncle. Industrial dispute? In our wonderful bakery? We don’t want to drive away the fat guy. We want fresh eclairs, no class struggle, no unrest in the bakery. That’s why we’re canceling breaks for our employees and reducing the number of buns for their children. Then we leave them behind the counter until they are old. For the dream of financial security and good education for children. And if that’s not enough, then a fist in the bag will suffice. This is where you keep the crumbs that the fat uncle left us.