Milena Moser on death: Death and me

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At first he was my enemy. When I fell in love with Victor almost ten years ago, he stood in my way. He threatened my happiness and was jealous of the time we spent together. “Go away,” I said. “Go away, now love is here and it’s stronger!” Then I really thought that I could defeat death, that I could achieve a lasting improvement in Victor’s health only through the power of my love. What arrogance!

It took me some time to understand that Victor’s condition is chronic, interspersed with acute crises, which may pass – but it is not getting dramatically better. Every year this condition becomes more and more normal: he gets older. A privilege he once felt denied. Death comes to the fore from time to time, but usually he holds back and waits. How can I not be grateful to him for these bestowed years?

When, at the beginning of our relationship, I complained to a friend that Victor would soon die, she shrugged her shoulders and said: “So what? We will all die someday!” I found it heartless at the time, but I understand it better now. This is definitely true. We all die at some point, and we have no control over when or under what circumstances this will happen. Zero. So what else can we do other than make friends with death? Or at least accept it as a completely normal part of life?

This year seems to be especially chaotic around me. He takes away healthy friends without warning, some even while doing sports that are supposed to prolong life. It throws boulders under the tires of mountain bikes, opens cracks in rocks at the tips of skis, stops hearts and spreads rapidly growing tumors. It bursts into life like a force of nature, destroys, disturbs, and always comes unexpectedly. My friends did not expect him, they were surprised, stunned, broken by his cruelty. For now he’s just sitting on the couch with us. While Victor is still alive.

After his last stay in the hospital, the doctor talked to him for an hour.

“Do you meditate?” – he asked. “Are you a believer? Do you pray?”

“Why do you ask?”

“I don’t understand why you’re still alive.” Get in line, I thought. We don’t understand this either.

But in fact, I feel that the constant presence of death gives our lives a certain ease. It may sound paradoxical, but in this situation unimportant things become unimportant. We have no choice but to live in the moment, enjoy the moment and find that moment of happiness even in the darkest days. Maintain relationships, leaving nothing unsaid, living every day as if it were your last. But perhaps I can look at this calmly only because Victor is feeling better now than he has in a long time. Maybe I’ll write this down to remember later.

Source: Blick