40 years old and not kissed: “No one has to frame me. Honestly!”

According to surveys, most people experience their first kiss at age 14. The “first time” follows about three years later. Judging by the statistics, Jana Crämer is a real late bloomer. Maybe also a never-starter. Than: Jana is 40 years old and has not been kissed yet.

For many people this is unimaginable. But it’s only about one thing, she thinks: being happy with yourself. It’s hard enough if you don’t meet the beauty ideal, get bullied or come from a broken home. All experiences that Jana talks about in her book »Jana, 39, not kissed« (Knaur Verlag). An encouragement to anyone who believes they are not sweet enough, incomplete or misplaced.

“I’ve been through so much shit, but today I couldn’t be happier,” says the author from North Rhine-Westphalia. “I want to give others a little hope.”

Being single doesn’t mean being alone, she says. And sometimes you yourself are the most important date in life. Jana explains to Watson why she has rejected everyone interested in love so far and why that doesn’t mean she lives a life without desire.

“I’m 40 years old now and I haven’t been kissed. I’ve never had sex either. When I tell that, everyone asks, ‘Why?’ And also: ‘Why are you still happy?’

Because yes, I am happy. Even whole. Many confuse being alone with loneliness, but I am not lonely. I am a lot among people, both professionally and privately. It’s not that I’m extremely shy.

Women in particular are immediately accused of a list of shortcomings that should explain their single existence: too loud, too quiet, too smart… People are really disappointed when none of these apply. In our society, a toxic relationship is more likely to make you miserable than happy. This is completely insane.

I know very well the pity for my single status from the people around me. When Grandpa puts his arm around you at Christmas and says, “Oh girl, you find your cover too, someone to take care of you.” You want to yell, “Shall I tell you what my bank balance looks like?”

For a long time I interpreted that as an attack. Today I believe: some of these statements of the older generation are also made out of genuine care, which is not necessary at all. Even my best friend would be happy if I fell in love, but I’m not missing anything. On the contrary: I don’t think I can become happier than I feel right now, even from a romantic relationship.

That wasn’t always the case. I had an eating disorder, weighed up to 180 kilograms. My relationship with my body was catastrophic and I couldn’t imagine anyone finding me attractive. With the help of a few therapy sessions I was able to get rid of the causes. I don’t compare myself anymore. I also no longer count calories and only after I gave up this control, this compulsion, was I able to maintain my new weight without any problems.

Sure, the skin is slack in many places now, but I’m grateful for every inch of myself. My body is far from what others see as ideal, but for me it’s perfect because it’s been through everything with me. Yes, I have some illnesses. Edema sucks. And multiple sclerosis sucks. But my body has Diseases. He is No.

I now like to share my story. I try to be the person I used to be. I’ve been ashamed of so many things. For my single life, for my alcoholic father, for my body. For all. I felt like an alien. And it would have been nice to know: Hey, you’re not alone in this. That’s why I’m so brutally honest. I don’t want anyone to feel as alone as they did back then.

Back then, when I was young, being in love was obviously a problem. So I know what it feels like to long for someone. But not how it feels when you allow those feelings to be reciprocated.

As soon as someone showed interest in me, for example asked me out on a date, I was immediately converted. I thought, ‘Seriously? Does he have a fetish?’ Someone who liked me had to be different. Because I thought my body was dirty. And so neither a kiss nor anything else resulted.

Because I hated my body so much and wanted to separate it from me, I am now experiencing many things for the first time, such as what it’s like when you feel your body completely. And – wow! – it is so beautiful.

Just because you’ve never had sex doesn’t mean you don’t have sensuality in life. I spoil my body. Every morning I open the window and enjoy the fresh air, breathing deeply. Awesome. I also test myself with teas, really taste the different herbs.

I also like orgasms, but that’s less of a desire for sex and more of a focused relaxation technique. If I know that I have to sleep quickly because I have to get up early in the morning, an orgasm in the evening is useful.

Desire for sex with a partner, for romance, I don’t have that. I’m not actively looking for a man either, would never sign up for Tinder. But I am now – and this is new – open to meeting someone if it happens.

Until recently I saw things differently. Everything in me resisted the idea of ​​entering into a love affair. I used to define myself very much by my eating disorder, then so much by being single that I’m starting to think maybe I got a little lost there.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m still sure I have a good life, even if I remain unkissed forever. A partnership does not automatically make life better or worse. And you shouldn’t let yourself be forced into a relationship or sex, I’m convinced of that.

I’ve fought so long to finally make peace with myself that I’m this “me” that I – finally! – I have become so fond of, will not bow to anything. I would never flirt with a man just to have sex. No one has to trick me either. Honestly, I’m fine!

But if I meet someone I find attractive on the street tomorrow, I won’t say ‘no’ anymore as a matter of principle. I think I would take the adventure. Because I’m a little curious if it really feels as bad as everyone says when you’re really in love… »