What I’ll never understand on Tinder and Co

Last week I had to wait for my sister. Nothing special. I always have to wait for her. The annoying thing about her being late is that she sends some sort of live ticker until she arrives. “I am almost there!” – «Well, now I’m leaving the house!» – “Are you there yet? Sorry, I know I should have gone home earlier.” – “Now I get on my bike!” – “No, shit, only now. Really now!” – “Okay, ten minutes! Or are you already gone?”

My sister thinks it’s important not to leave the waiting person in the dark. I think she’s wrong – and I think she’s doing everything she can to ease her guilty conscience. Waiting doesn’t bother me either. I can take good care of myself. What else were smartphones invented for if not for moments like this? On the other hand, if the thing blinks every few seconds and spews out irrelevant information that sometimes even requires a response, then waiting is a curse. Unless you have people at the next table who talk so loud that you understand every word.

The two women at the table to my left were both extremely attractive. They were talking about dating apps. A swore by Bumble. At least there is still some choice. On Hinge, she would be “done playing” very quickly. Tinder is over. The other nodded and listened attentively. She was probably newly single and ready to bumble (okay, sorry, cheap, I know, but pushed her way).

She asked if the photo was too revealing. Her counterpart shook his head. “Men love bare skin!” – «And this Insta photo? Does the filter work?” – “Men don’t check filters!” – «What am I writing here?» – “Is there something funny!”

I couldn’t listen anymore because my sister came running and told me at a volume that she already checked me on whatsapp. When she finished, the women were gone.

Since then I’ve spent quite a bit of time on Bumble. I wanted to know what the woman’s profile looks like now. The result of my «research»: 14 matches, 7 conversations, 2 of which are promising. And in between: countless photos and descriptions that I will never understand.

Here’s my list of things women shouldn’t do if they want to swipe right on Tinder and Bumble. So. Mine. Or guys like me.

Before you start screaming, I know male profiles are way worse. Hanna sometimes sends me screenshots. And wow! I understand any woman who is annoyed and throws her cell phone in the Limmat. But since I’ve seen mostly women’s profiles, that’s all I can really judge. For no-goes with guys, I’d have to ask Hanna. Or my sister. (I will?)

1. Men are not completely filter blind! We see when a photo has faded and smoothed out and tuned. No one seriously thinks you look like that, not even a short-sighted one. On the contrary, we think it is a fake profile.

2. What are dog ear pictures supposed to do? Impress guys who love dogs? I like dogs, but not as filters. And not as a “taster”. Does your labrador lick your mouth when you stick your tongue out? Please don’t!

3. Group photos… You want to show that you are social and that you have friends. Can you do it. But those who only have group photos have not understood the concept. Tinder is not a “Walter search book”!

4. Mirror selfies in filthy toilets???

5. “Two truths and a lie” – not funny in 99.9% of the time. And superfluous, see point 3. Fun and games like IRL.

6. Duckface five times and nothing else – hard.

7. “Catch me if you can” as a motto in life – I’m lying here comfortably on the couch, what do you expect from me?

8th. «Looking for a daddy for my plants!» when asked what you are looking for – sorry, what?

I didn’t see the woman from the next table on Bumble until the deadline for this text. The question is, now that I know how pretty she really is, do I swipe right when her profile is littered with dog ears, pseudo-profound statements, and over-filtered duckface selfies?

as long as

am

Source: Blick