Long-term relationships expert Ursula Nuber (69): How much sexuality does a relationship need?

They suggest a certain regularity.
When it comes to sex, the rule is “use it or lose it.” So: If it is not applied, interest will eventually die completely. Or in other words: Appetite comes with food. So it might make sense to go on an erotic date once a week.

Doesn’t your appetite increase if you do not satisfy your hunger for a long time?
Of course, there are couples who are intimate with each other once a month or less, and for whom this is absolutely not a problem. I may also hug my partner to remind me that sexuality exists. Or write him that I miss him. These are great bonding agents that keep you from falling apart. Especially when daily life and child rearing leave little time for togetherness.

The problem with many long-term couples is that one person wants more sex than the other.
Not all people have the same libido. This situation becomes more evident as we get older. Menopause occurs in women. Many hormonal changes occur during this period. When someone feels like they are missing something, they often become impatient with their partner, start arguments over mundanities, and make sarcastic comments. These couples often avoid open discussions about changing their sexuality.

They openly advise long-term couples to meet for sex. Doesn’t this lead to pressure to perform?
Sexual intercourse does not necessarily have to happen. Maybe you lie in bed together. It is important to turn off phones at this time and protect yourself from all sources of interference as much as possible.

But what if this tactic doesn’t work?
Then this could be a sign that a couple’s emotional connection is very weak because they are carrying too much bullshit into the relationship. In my book, I describe the case of a woman who one day discovered that her husband had been regularly visiting prostitutes since his youth. Even though she convincingly promised to stop, from then on she didn’t want him anymore.

How does a couple deal with such situations?
First, you should try to establish a stable foundation of trust with the help of couples or sexual therapy. If it’s not right outside the bedroom, it can’t be in the bedroom.

What actually differentiates sex therapy from couples therapy?
In sex therapy, the therapist focuses on sexuality. But good sex therapy always includes elements of couples therapy. And vice versa.