Dad sees this differently from mom: Should you always let the kids win?

When it comes to mothers, you often get the feeling that their children know what they want to say before they even open their mouths. Or they correctly repeat incomplete and incorrect sentences: “Daddy’s work?” “Right. Dad is at work now. But he’ll be back tonight.” “Tom again!” “He’ll come back and read you his book.”

Ahnert says that while mother’s repetition is important to encourage correct language, father’s questions increase the child’s willingness to communicate. “Both are important for language development.”

Ahnert says that in many studies, researchers have observed that fathers prefer games with rules and take rules much more seriously than mothers. As a result, male caregivers don’t let children win—or at least not all the time, as women and grandmothers often do.

Ahnert says that as long as the enjoyment of playing is maintained, it can have a positive effect on the child. He points to the German psychologist Julius Kuhl (76), who has done research on this subject. If kids just want to win, they’ll develop inappropriate competitive behavior, he said. You must convey to them that winning and losing is normal and that it is your own efforts that matter, not the end result.

It is clear that fathers play more wildly with children than mothers. For a long time, women in particular feared that male jostling would increase their son’s potential for aggression. (Girls are not part of these games to date.)

But the opposite is the case, says Ahnert. This is indicated by a study in which kindergarten and school staff evaluated the general behavior of children filmed playing “fights and wrestling” with their fathers. They were less aggressive and more cool in their dealings with other children, and were considered more pleasant and loved than most other children.

According to Ahnert, this is partly because children are allowed to behave aggressively in a protected environment, while also experiencing playful, aggressive behavior from someone they trust.

Thus, they were better able to adapt to such real situations and did not immediately react emotionally, for example, when pushed or otherwise attacked by someone.