Claims too high? This is really behind the phenomenon of permanent singles

The sneakers were off, he was laughing so grunty, she was sending too many emojis… Sometimes you’re amazed at the reasons friends give when the last date didn’t go well.

Especially when people have been single for a long time and they say they are longing for a partnership, particularly picky candidates will at some point catch the harsh saying from their environment: “Your demands are just too high!” Is that just mean? Or ultimately true?

Psychologist Christian Hemschemeier works as a relationship therapist and also coaches in online courses. We talked to him about rights, self-protection and being overwhelmed by the dating market.

“Maybe there’s something going on,” he says. “There are both. There are people without norms and people with ‘over-norms’ – oddly enough, they often come together.”

Of course no one likes to hear that they set the bar too high when it comes to dating because that also implies you’re overestimating yourself, “but the fact is that when I have clients who say they can’t find anyone, I always try to be the first to determine if they are ‘above par’,” admits the practitioner from the practice, “because this is a common reason for persistent singleness.»

“All the good ones are already taken”, it is often said. However, it is not the selection, but the hasty selection of really nice dating candidates that forms a hurdle in the search for a partner. When did we become so picky?

Christian Hemschemeier says the research shows “that this development is partly due to social networks. In the depiction of “power couples” and “couplegoals”, i.e. happy couples who are incredibly attractive, active and adventurous. » He explains:

Another phenomenon of modern dating also makes people very picky: Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and Co. The supermarket effect on apps suggests that all of these people are theoretically available, like products in an online store. But that’s a misconception.

“Dating apps suggest you have so many choices you can afford to be extra picky”, explains the psychologist. “So: he doesn’t have a six-pack, he’s not 1.85 cm tall – immediately brushed off. My clients in particular quickly resolve it if the first sentences of making contact are not immediately exciting.”

That women are generally more selective than men when it comes to choosing a partner is also regularly confirmed in surveys of the dating portals themselves, which means they get more offers,” explains Hemschemeier the gender gap.

In addition, “we all live in a meritocracy and we also want to ‘optimize’ our dating game, ie find the best partner”. There are not always purely romantic motives behind it, it is not always about ‘love’, the therapist warns: “Some just want a great partner to look better and are looking for criteria like looks and status.”

But aside from really superficial things: why does one place excessive demands on the dating market and the other prefers to accept small mistakes in the date?

In therapy, people with too high demands would be looked at “whether someone actually has a pattern of attachment anxiety, because that often leads to these too high demands,” says Hemschemeier. «The person who has a fear of commitment looks for a thousand reasons why it does not work out with this or that person. You supposedly want a relationship, but unfortunately none is good enough. Sometimes there is self-protection behind it.”

A fairly obvious symptom of attachment anxiety is if you only get attached if the other person is too not wants, the psychologist explains:

The interesting thing is that people who otherwise have very high standards accept everything as soon as they find themselves in the position of “supplication”. Suddenly, laughter and emojis don’t matter, even serious shortcomings like infidelity or lack of love are accepted. Hemschemeier about this:

A pattern couldn’t be more typical, he says. People who have a fear of commitment would “put up with everything as long as the other person doesn’t let them get to it, but criticize everything as soon as the other gets close”.

As absurd as it may sound from a distance, this behavior is associated with enormous suffering for those affected. And of course, at some point, friends may recommend therapy or resort to the infamous phrase that you should lower your expectations a bit.

Such tips are not promising, says Hemschemeier: «Most dating advice is ignored because everyone thinks they know better and not at all willing to change.” Self-awareness and the desire to change behavior have to come from within, and unfortunately that often takes time.

But sometimes the turning point comes. “If you’ve suffered enough, you might think about it,” the connoisseur knows from practice. There are ways to get out of the fear of commitment, for example with professional help. And maybe it will work out with the reliable, warm person – despite the ugly sneakers.