The ordeal of a long-childless couple: ‘It evokes so much self-loathing’

The spark jumps far away from the earth: with Sophie* and Marco* it crackles in the plane. Born in Bern, he is still very tired and exhausted after a night of drinking in the Berlin nightlife. You, a German, chatty and curious on your way to Switzerland.

The meeting turns into love. Even after years of relationship, the couple is over the moon as they try to have a child. But the clouds are increasingly becoming a hurricane of doubt, self-loathing and desire. The pregnancy you want just isn’t happening. Love is tested.

About the initial excitement, the mental support of the Obamas and the last hope for a child.

Sophie is 31 when her IUD is removed. After five years of relationship, she and Marco want a child. Sex literally becomes the most beautiful thing in the world: “The baby making sex is the most exciting thing of all,” Sophie recalls.

“But the excitement wears off over time,” adds Marco. Despite calmness and patience, the child’s wish does not come true even after six months. The couple is medically examined.

In Marco’s case, the semen analysis indicates a somewhat limited motility (mobility) of the sperm. The gynecologist advises the couple to undergo artificial insemination (IVF) at this time. This recommendation makes the couple suspicious. “We thought it was a bit premature that we were now being advised to consider artificial insemination. A spermiogram is always just a snapshot,” says Sophie.

A second opinion gives the couple hope: “At the Inselspital fertility clinic, we were told that everything was going well with us and that having children should actually work out. The specialist said that the quality of the sperm was slightly reduced, but since there was so much sperm, this should come back into balance. Quasi quantity over quality,” says Marco.

The couple keeps trying the natural way – but the hoped-for match between Sophie’s eggs and Marco’s many sperm doesn’t come true.

They are not alone in this. 10 to 15 percent of couples in Switzerland have difficulty fulfilling their desire to have children. Specialists speak of the unfulfilled desire to have children if pregnancy does not occur naturally within a year.

But there are other ways.

For support, Sophie accepts hormone stimulation of the ovaries (FHS treatment). A small injection is used to trigger ovulation. “About 18 hours later you have to go to the box together,” explains Sophie. “Then the romance ends,” jokes Marco.

The most beautiful in the world now becomes a mandatory exercise on a schedule.

Today, the couple can laugh about sex according to plan – including the bizarre situations that the treatment entails: “One night we had to stop at an abandoned rest area in the middle of the highway so that I could induce ovulation. I reclined the chair and injected myself with the hormones. I felt like a fixer. It was so absurd that we joked about it,” says Sophie.

But even the stimulation doesn’t get Sophie’s eggs and Marco’s sperm in the right mood.

The relationship suffers. How to go further? It is clear to Sophie that she must ‘release’ Marco if he really wants children. Divorce conversations become reality.

Self-doubt, hatred and guilt affect both equally. “It’s hard for me to put into words what goes through your mind when you see other pregnant women. That causes so much self-loathing against your own body,” says Sophie. “Every birthday was pure agony. The hope of a child is disappearing more and more.”

Fertility begins to decline as early as age 26. In Switzerland, women are on average 31 years old when they give birth to their first child, making them among the oldest mothers in Europe. If the woman is older, insemination can be used in Switzerland. The man’s sperm cells are transferred directly into the woman’s uterus.

Marco lets Sophie decide if she wants to put up with this. For the man’s contribution is mere self-gratification.

The couple reported artificial insemination three times, which is reimbursed by health insurance. Without success.

After the failed attempts, the couple is advised to switch to another reproductive technique.

The two face so many questions that they almost swoon from the decision-making process: How far should we go? How far can you even go? When do you surpass? What are we entitled to? Are we meant for each other?

“I’ve often wondered if nature is trying to tell us we’re not genetically compatible and have to draw a line,” says Sophie. Initially, the economist and lawyer ruled out artificial insemination. For a long time she thought the process was too big an intervention. Marco is torn. He still leaves the decision to his wife.

By chance, Sophie comes across a video of Michelle Obama. For Sophie, a woman of perfect values ​​– “a demigod”. In it, Obama reveals that she too had problems having children and that she eventually succeeded with artificial insemination.

A higher sign for the couple.

“We thought: if the Obamas think it’s good to use artificial insemination, then it must be ethical,” says Sophie.

The decision has been made – after five years of unfulfilled desire to have children. The couple does not opt ​​for the classic insemination, but for a more natural variant called IVF-Naturelle.

IVF means in vitro fertilization and means fertilization in a glass. With the IVF-Naturelle treatment method, in contrast to the classic variant, only one egg cell is removed from the woman, which is then fertilized with the sperm cell of the partner and placed in the uterus.

The reason: ethical concerns. «I had some problems with the classic IVF fertilization. Usually 10 to 12 eggs are removed from the woman and fertilized. But only one is used, the rest are thrown away,” explains Sophie. In addition, the more natural procedure does not require sedation or general anesthesia when picking the egg.

The treatment method offers even more advantages. “In many cases, IVF therapy works with less effort and hormones,” says Prof. Dr. Michael von Wolff of the women’s clinic in Inselspital Bern. The chief physician for gynecological endocrinology and reproductive medicine brought the technology to Switzerland in 2009. Every year he performs about 500 IVF-Naturelle treatments. The cost per treatment cycle: 2500 Swiss francs.

In total, more than 2,400 children were born in Switzerland in 2021 using artificial insemination. The number is increasing every year. The main reason is infertility. Men are more often affected than women. Couples must bear the costs of artificial insemination themselves.

“Fortunately, we were able to financially cover the costs of artificial insemination,” says Marco.

But even artificial insemination is by no means a guarantee of a child. Sophie and Marco also experience this.

No one has an answer as to why it just doesn’t work out for the two of them. Inwardly, the two have already ticked off the dream of having a child. In order not to blame themselves for not trying everything, the couple makes one last attempt.

One last artificial insemination. IVF therapy again. You won’t regret the decision.

“A few weeks after the treatment, I was stunned when I saw the positive pregnancy test,” Sophie recalls. “We really didn’t expect it anymore.”

But in the end there were sparks between Sophie’s egg and Marco’s sperm. Sophie jokes: “My rough German egg has probably always scared off the sperm of the lowly Swiss.”

*Names have been changed to protect the child.