“Honey, You Can Do Much Better”: Why Men Avoid Tasks

“Honey, Migros doesn’t even have this children’s shampoo,” says the man standing in the store, surrounded by deodorants and soaps. He has his wife on the phone staring at a shopping list. He’s called her three times in the last twenty minutes. Each time she gave him precise directions to a particular shelf. Also this time. And surprise: the mentioned children’s shampoo is very well available in Migros.

As soon as her husband gets home, she says with a deep sigh, “Next time I’d better do my own shopping.” To which he replies, “I’m sorry, you’re just better at it than I am.” The sentence sounds like a compliment. Or does the man simply want to ensure that he no longer has to do his weekly shopping in the future?

The example is fictional, but that’s exactly how it could have happened if you believe the countless accounts of women’s experiences that have been shared on social media lately. To them, the case is clear: men avoid unpleasant tasks by deliberately acting stupid. “Strategic incompetence” is the term that has become established online for this behavior.

As proof of their point, women share chilling videos. An example: a woman opens the dishwasher that a man would have filled in advance. You see plates and bowls stacked on top of each other, so that the dirty water collects in them after the wash. The cutlery was carelessly thrown into a compartment. Dirty water drips from spoons here too.

“This is the last time I let a man do the dishes,” the author writes under the video, which is then shared more than 160,000 times on Tiktok. Can’t tell if it’s real or fake. One thing is clear: such videos say a lot about the perception of relationships.

Johanna Degen is a couples therapist and professor of social psychology at the European University of Flensburg and follows the discussions about ‘strategic incompetence’ with interest, but also with concern. Of course there are men who abuse their powerlessness to get rid of tasks.

However, from her experience as a couples therapist, she knows that this is not the norm at all. “In reality, male helplessness is often the product of complex relationship dynamics,” says Degen.

The origin of the term “strategic incompetence” gives information. “Interestingly, in psychology, it stems from the concept of ‘learned helplessness,'” says Degen. Learned helplessness means that you have forgotten to trust your own ability to act. This happens, for example, when you randomly get a reward or punishment after a task – or even always get punished. This dynamic ends in passivity.

Take the first example of the man who can’t find the shampoo in the store. He can ask employees or decide for himself. But he may have done this in the past and still brought home the wrong product. “Something that could happen to anyone, given the sheer number of products available now,” interjects Degen.

But his partner scolds him: “You can’t even go grocery shopping!” This devaluation is also a well-known pattern among women who want recognition for their work while defending their domain. They sometimes criticize everything that is done differently or simply by others. It’s not about the shampoo at all.

However, the man learns from this behavior: whatever I do, I will be punished with devaluation. So why keep trying? At the same time, he can also be happy that he will no longer have to go shopping in the future. Thus, learned helplessness mixes with strategic incompetence. For Degen, it’s clear: both contributed to this negative relationship dynamic.

Women also exploit strategic incompetence. According to Degen, they often do this for traditionally ‘male’ tasks, such as changing car tires, inflating bicycles or repairing the internet connection. Gender roles therefore do not leave this dynamic untouched.

However, it’s only supposedly a comfortable position for someone when their own to-do list gets shorter and shorter as their partner takes on tasks. In the end, it damages your own reputation if the other person sees you as incompetent. sword says:

So what can be done to break this dynamic? “You have to sit down and talk at eye level about what the real problem is,” says Degen. She knows from experience that it is never about a shampoo, but about recognition and appreciation, which both wish but do not give. “It would be best if we all praise each other more and notice each other in everyday life.”

However, mutual concessions are also necessary. “For example, he promises that he will only ask for help if he really needs it.” And she should try to leave tasks to him holistically and independently.

Because: «Single fathers can buy children’s shampoo. You are not helpless,’ says Degen. So strategic incompetence and learned helplessness are not a matter of gender. If you can fix the underlying issues, you can laugh about the wrong shampoo again instead of getting into a fight. (aargauerzeitung.ch)