Sexpert reveals what the biggest red flag in dating is

As cool as single life can be, when you’re looking for love on really bad days, you feel like an old scarf in a gift box: first you’re picked up, looked at from all sides, grabbed – and then put down again without commentary.

This lack of respect in the dating market is scaring off more and more singles. A current study by Badoo shows that the confidence of one in six German singles in finding a partner is at an all-time low. Those affected mainly suffer from not taking their feelings seriously and lying on dating profiles (32 percent each).

This has sad consequences: those who have had negative experiences are often hesitant to date again and need a break at first (43 percent), and about a quarter (24 percent) even give up dating altogether afterward. It is high time to strive for a more positive relationship in the common world.

It’s normal that getting to know two strangers doesn’t always go smoothly, but: What Behaviors Are Truly Toxic When Dating? Do we actually notice when we behave wrongly? As part of the launch of Badoo’s Dating Confidence Report, we spoke to Paula Lambert about this.

Paula is Germany’s best-known sex and relationship expert (TV program “Paula Comes” and podcasts “Paula. Learning to Love” and “Four Breasts for a Hallelujah”). She tells us when the alarm bells should ring.

“Disrespectful behavior is of course the biggest red flag,” she says. “At worst, this is gaslighting, catfishing, ghosting.” So downplaying the other person’s feelings and perceptions, fake profiles and suddenly ending contact without any explanation.

Anyone jumping into the fray of the singles market will sooner or later face these negative side effects, which can be quite confusing for those affected. Is this still teasing or bullying? Is the other person very busy or is he simply not interested?

Rarely do you ask yourself as many interpersonal questions as when dating. This is hard on the kidneys. “Many of these negative dating trends upset daters and affect their self-confidence,” says Paula, explaining:

32 percent of respondents said gaslighting affected their dating behavior the most and they haven’t dated since – closely followed by love bombing (31 percent) and negging (30 percent). The vast majority of respondents (87 percent) who have experienced this behavior agree that their confidence in dating has been affected in this way.

You cannot protect yourself from it. But you can learn to deal with negative experiences in a way that doesn’t damage your self-esteem. Relationship expert Paula Lambert says: “It is important to make it clear to yourself that the other person is responsible for this behavior. It’s not you!”

Good news: There are a few “green flags,” as Paula Lambert explains. Signs that there is a great person sitting in front of you include: The person is not afraid to show vulnerability, the person does not expect you to be happy all the time, the person can laugh at herself, knows where she is, has construction sites and has no problem apologizing.

Of course, there are always two sides to honest dating. While everyone hates being ghosted and gaslighted, at the same time, sometimes you can stop reaching out or not take the other person’s feelings seriously enough.

What can daters do for a fairer singles market? Do you even notice that you are behaving toxically? “That obviously includes self-reflection and the buzzword authenticity,” says Paula Lambert. She advises singles: “Constantly question your online dating behavior and only treat others the way you want to be treated.”

This also means that we do not avoid unpleasant conversations. “Be brave,” Paula clearly advises. “For example, if you lose interest in someone, say so honestly instead of not answering.” A few clear words instead of a secret disappearance will hurt considerably less feelings in the long run.

But even during the dating process itself, it’s worth staying authentic, she explains. It also helps not to put everything on the table and to take small interpersonal blunders into account. The relationship expert explains:

Or to shorten it: Be the sincere, tolerant and humorous date you would like to be with. “Consciously participate in online dating, so that it becomes a good experience for you and others,” concludes Paula.