Among space idiots

_{This text is best read with the voice of Sir David Attenborough in your ear.}

The space idiot (RI), the space idiot (Latin: Spatium stultus) is a species that has spread throughout the world in the wake of humanity. Like Homo sapiens, it belongs to the ape family, but because of its characteristic behavior from which it owes its name, it does not belong to the higher mammals.

In the open field, Spatii stulti are usually indistinguishable from Homines sapientes. They only reveal their true identity in confined spaces, where they can best develop their qualities: they clog passageways, block free seats, go up the slope in the middle of the toboggan run instead of on the edge, sit there, stand. in the way.

Their motive is always the same: to prevent efficient and smooth human mobility. Favorite habitats are shops, public transport and other places where people like to gather. Space idiots aren’t afraid of water. Therefore, sightings in swimming pools are not uncommon. The rule of thumb here: the number of room idiots increases exponentially with the number of water slides.

In order to develop properly, small experienced spatial idiots and juveniles resort to aids such as suitcases, snowboards, bags, shopping carts or baskets. Capital idiots, on the other hand, only manage to clog entire main arteries of retail industries with their physical presence.

They are active all year round and bloom mainly during the Christmas period. The most exciting time of the year has arrived for die-hard spotters. Observations can take place anywhere and at any time. They are among us.

In addition to the perennial favorite of public transportation, experienced RI spotters repeatedly point to the tea shelves at the grocery store. The species-typical maneuver “misguided purchasing decision” can be observed particularly often there. The room idiot imitates a customer who first receives an overview of the range from a distance. To do this, Homo sapiens (Latin for sensible man) retreats to the opposite plank. He not only thinks about himself, but also allows other shoppers to pass through undisturbed. If not the RI He positions himself with his legs apart in the middle of the boards, slightly cradling his knees, like a boxer in the ring.

In this position he pretends to be concentrating on scanning the board. In fact, it focuses its sensors on the movements of other shoppers. If a person threatens to pass unhindered, the space idiot throws himself into the way like a cat. If the person tries to dodge backwards, the RI feigns indecision – and jumps back to the starting position with deft footwork. He’s in the way again. Experienced RIs like to comment on such a successful maneuver with phrases like: “Where is the big rosehip?” or “I don’t want my happy place organically. I just wanted some tea.”

False ignorance and disorientation have proven to be an effective tool for space idiots. They allow sudden, seemingly random disruptions in all directions. An experienced spatial idiot can cover an area with a radius of several meters. Especially if he still has a tool at his disposal. And the space idiot’s most efficient weapon is the shopping cart.

Thanks to its constant availability and enormous variety of uses, the shopping cart is the perfect companion for space enthusiasts. The classic RI maneuver with cars is the no-look-you-shall-not-pass. The performer looks, surfs or chats in one direction while the car is pushed as far as possible in the other direction. This means that even major high streets near retailers are completely blocked.

The use in mixed doubles is more subtle. While the female (female RI) actively searches for products, the male (male RI) pushes the shopping cart behind him, apparently bored. But his tired eyes are deceiving. The time (Saturday morning) and location (fruit and vegetable department) of the designated blockade were perfectly chosen. With Mirjam-Ott-like precision, the RI transports its shopping cart to the neuralgic zone, where it stops diagonally between the hard-boiling potatoes and the vine tomatoes. The car is now shot. After just a few seconds there is complete chaos in the vegetable display and innocent citizens have to recalculate their routes. And the first child is already crying. Another space idiot has brilliantly used his abilities. A true natural wonder. And thanks to physical effort, the only functioning scale is delivered.

The ordinary Homo sapiens can only be amazed by so much force of nature. He has discreetly parked his shopping cart at the head of a freezer. Busy of course. And parallel to the direction of the purchasing flow.

If a shopping cart is not available, the male likes to resort to large tote bags from luxury boutiques. He wears this seemingly submissively behind the vixen through the fashion outlet. Yes, fashion stores are a hotspot for space idiots. Specimens that are a bit older meet there for the routine. The preferred camouflage is a robe that is too tight and too white, which is supposed to suggest champagne and St. Moritz, while the rest of the appearance reveals beer and Bäretswil.

Even for experts, the distinction between RIs and Homo sapiens is not always easy. Not all young people hanging around in front of the beer rack are automatically space geeks. Some of them are just students from Ticino. Not every disoriented old man is an RI. One of them is simply the American president. If you want to be sure, take the Äxgüsi test. If there is an “Ahsorry!” or even a “Mi dispiace!” back, they are people or students from Ticino. Space idiots, on the other hand, always respond wordlessly and with a facial expression as if they recently smoked a fraternization pipe with Apache chief Lick-my-ass.

Currently, research assumes that RIs and Homo sapiens together form a system of commensalism. This is the name given to the coexistence of two species, which have a positive effect on one and a neutral effect on the other – with the RIs being the benefiting party. Without people they would be doomed. If the tolerance value of the RI density is exceeded, a so-called spatial idiot clumping occurs. This can have devastating consequences and even collapse successful systems. The FC Basel team currently offers an illustrative case study.

On the other hand, it was not always the case that coexistence with RIs was perceived as “neutral” for Homo sapiens. RIs had a reputation as a brake and obstacle for determined and organized people. So they were often portrayed negatively. However, more modern approaches, emerging since the rise of neoliberalism and hyper-capitalism, emphasize the positive effects of a balanced society infused with RIs. According to the hypothesis, RIs teach patience and frustration tolerance, provide stressful people with unexpected moments of laziness, and remind goal-oriented doers that not everything in life can be planned.

So the next time you see a space idiot, don’t just think of him as an annoyance or even an obstacle. Watch him. Admire his art. Enjoy his ignorance and be amused by the spectacle he creates. Be grateful for his training. A training you can use for an even more inhuman species: the Stultus constans querens – the stupid constant complainer.