Why is love so complicated?

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While some find mates for life, for others it seems like it never worked out. Is love just a matter of good or bad luck? No, it indicates a theory that is widely supported by psychology: It may be due to an insecure attachment style.

The so-called attachment theory is trending on social media. The hashtag #AttachmentStyle has already been viewed over 300 million times on Tiktok. One of the best-known books on adult attachment theory, published by psychologists Amir Levine and Rachel Heller as Added in 2010, has seen increasing sales for several years.

The foundation of attachment theory explains how people form attachments with their partners using the four types.

• Terrible: People with an anxious attachment style have a great need for intimacy and closeness, but they also feel insecure, both in a relationship and when dating. The moment they worry that something is wrong with the relationship, their attachment system kicks in. At this point, he has trouble calming himself or thinking about anything else. Some react with disdain or anger to the partner trying to get them. The attachment system only calms down when the partner reassures them that the relationship is not in danger.

• Avoidance: People with an avoidant attachment style feel uncomfortable when a relationship gets too close. They value their independence and freedom. Many of them actually have a fear of abandonment at their heart. Depending on how distinctive the attachment style is, they engage in longer relationships, but unconsciously pursue strategies to disable the attachment system and thus keep their distance: criticizing details about the partner, idealizing an ex or desired partner, not avoiding contact or intimacy. .

• Trustworthy: People with a secure attachment style are comfortable in close relationships, but are also good at being alone. They believe in their commitment and worry little about them, their behavior is balanced and reliable. Securely attached people find it easy to express their needs and respond to their partner’s needs. When dating, they assume the other person is also interested in a relationship. During a discussion, they hardly feel threatened by criticism, but are willing to reflect on their position.

• irregular: This style of lacing is characterized by dense and chaotic patterns. People with disorganized attachment styles crave extreme intimacy, but they also push others away. Oftentimes, they are people who were abused, severely neglected, or abused as children.

In the Appendix, Levine and Heller write that just over half of people have a secure attachment style, a fifth are anxious, and just under a quarter are avoidant. Three to five percent are irregular.

childhood experiences

Whether we develop a secure or insecure attachment style has a lot to do with our childhood. Attachment theory was pioneered in the mid-20th century by child psychiatrist John Bowlby, who studied the bonds between young children and their parents. Basically, people are born with the need for close relationships. But the way we learn to relate is shaped by our closest environment.

“What matters is whether a young child has a stable and reliable relationship with their caregiver and is responsive to their needs,” says Guy Bodenmann, 61, a psychology professor who has researched couples and families for 25 years. For example, this has a particularly drastic effect during the first three years of life if a child is separated from their parent for longer periods of time or if the bond is not stable enough. For example, caregivers who do not pay enough attention to the child’s needs because they are stressed or depressed will tell the child: You cannot count on someone to be there for you.

“Children who are securely attached are not only better able to regulate their emotions, but also become more courageous and autonomous,” says Bodenmann. So, are our parents only to blame if we lead insecure relationships as adults? “No,” says Bodenmann, the strokes of fate also played a role. In addition, severe experiences in teachers, close friends, and associates are factors that affect attachment style.

Proximity-distance problem

Research shows that when it comes to couples, both people usually have a secure attachment pattern or both have an insecure pattern. Combinations of two anxious or two avoidant people are very rare. The anxious plus avoidant combination is typical in ambiguous constellations. This can be exhausting for both of you, especially when you’re getting to know each other: If one person seeks intimacy, the other will avoid it more. But the dynamic that activates the anxious person’s attachment system can help the two find each other interesting.

Guy Bodenmann says it makes sense for people with an insecure attachment style to be concerned about: An insecure attachment style does not represent a mental disorder, but it does increase the risk of such disorders, says Guy Bodenmann. Research also shows that problems are often passed on to the next generation. People with an insecure attachment style are more likely to have insecurely attached children when they become parents. Tiktok videos currently trending around #AttachmentStyle don’t quite address these issues. But they can be the first step for young people to learn more about their souls and thus perhaps contribute to the happy children of the next generation.

Source : Blick