Stonewalling: When the partner is silent in the argument

“Now tell me something!”, “How can we change that?”, “Are you actually still happy?!” – if all you get in a relationship dispute is a shrug, silence, or a “don’t know,” you’re dealing with so-called stonewalling.

Stonewalling means: shutting down, shutting up, walling up. It is the refusal to face certain conflicts and in love relationships often leads to their end. The other desperately stays behind and digs further without a chance. Because if a person opposes, maybe even leaves the apartment in a fight, no problem can be solved, no conflict can be solved.

So what to do if the partner or partners switch to strike out every time there is a fight? We asked Christian Hemschemeier. The psychologist and relationship therapist says in an interview that stonewalling and the distress it causes is “one of the most common couple conflicts”.

“Stonewalling also occurs in isolation in toxic relationships. But in most cases it’s more part of a partnership dynamic in the event of a conflict,” explains Hemschemeier. He also calls this “attack and retreat. So one retreats and the other verbally attacks.” An absolute vicious circle, as the psychologist describes:

Even small children like to cover their ears when there is a lecture. The only problem is that a conflict doesn’t resolve itself just because you pretend it doesn’t exist. But on the contrary. The anger gets even bigger because there was no solution in the first place and the partner now also feels abandoned.

“This withdrawal from the dispute is rightly regarded as downright disastrous relationship behavior,” says Christian Hemschemeier. “Because if you apply pressure, you are at least still at the negotiating table, while those who are stonewalling have already left this table.”

So how do you get back together? The psychologist recommends talking openly with the other person in a quiet and peaceful time about the problem behind it and asking: What scares you when we talk? Is it exaggerated? Afraid to say the wrong thing? “Interestingly, most people know what causes it,” says the psychologist.

Unfortunately, Hemschemeier knows that this approach rarely works: “The problem with stonewalling is that your partner has stopped participating in the conversation, so you may not get answers to these questions either.”

With a lot of luck, your partner will dare to speak out and you can help think about how a dispute can go better next time. For some it helps to write a letter to organize their thoughts. Others need an appointment to avoid feeling overwhelmed during the workday.

If you asked in a quiet moment and without reproach and still received nothing but silence, it’s okay to be at your wits’ end. If you still want to salvage the relationship, “going to couples therapy is recommended,” says Hemschemeier, “because it’s incredibly difficult to get out of this dynamic as a couple.”

Also in therapy, it is usually about the reasons for the unilateral withdrawal. “You can only try to find out: What do you need to finally be able to talk? Then you can try to create an atmosphere together in which the fleeing or silent part finally opens. This is the positive case », explains the relationship therapist.

“The negative case is that people stonewall because they really have no interest in putting energy into the relationship,” Hemschemeier continues. This is usually the case when the ‘Stonewaller’ “actually already has something else going on or doesn’t really want to get involved in a band.”

Sometimes the mason part really doesn’t want to get near the person opposite. The relationship therapist: “Then you can’t really do anything, to be honest.”

Divorce is the only way out in such cases. Hemschemeier warns that anyone who tries to love someone who always closes himself off suffers extremely.

“It’s terrible for our bonding system. This is really one of the most problematic behaviors in relationships,” he clarifies, explaining:

People have always had a tendency to build strong bonds with those around them, he says. Anyone who enters into a community with someone wants to feel heard by that person and be able to exchange ideas with them.

“It’s an age-old need,” says Hemschemeier. “If the other refuses and just builds a wall where there should be closeness, that really kills those affected.” Then you are ‘lonely as a couple’. That’s the worst.”

“To have someone run around like a reproach incarnate without even knowing what’s going on inside that person, this is total stress, even physical», the therapist finally explains. “It’s healthier to be really alone.”