What do men do wrong in relationships?

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“She dumped me because I didn’t put the dishes in the dishwasher.” That was the name of the first entry on Matthew Fray’s (43) blog. The American from Cleveland, Ohio wanted to file for divorce in 2016 from the wife with whom he has a son.

The post has been viewed millions of times. Fray is now a professional blogger and witty advice to men who are just as bad in relationships. The New York Times describes him as “the man who coaches husbands on how to avoid divorce.” The first guide will be available in German from March 28 with the title “This book saves your relationship”. Blick talked to Fray about the most common mistakes men make in relationships.

From his perspective, it was a minor thing not to put his glasses in the dishwasher, says Matthew Fray about what ultimately caused his marriage to fall apart. “‘This is really not bad!’ “Because even if we don’t do anything wrong in our eyes, we can act in a way that causes the partner to increasingly lose confidence in the relationship.”

Matthew Fray is a whiskey fan and was in New Orleans to attend a several-day bourbon festival during his video interview with Blick. Men are experts when it comes to their hobbies and jobs, she says. “But almost none of them spend as much energy learning about their partner’s needs.” As a result, many men are completely surprised when their partner “suddenly” accuses them of something. “If my wife has an upcoming work presentation, has a cold, and is grieving the loss of her grandmother, perhaps it would be appropriate for us to ensure that the children – and especially me – do not deplete her last emotional energy.”

“What I find most tragic is the gradual disintegration of relationships,” Fray says. It’s not about an incident like a cheating that comes up, but about the many small conflicts that have accumulated over the years. “Many things can be an occasion – for me it was the plates I left around.” You don’t always agree – it’s inevitable, Fray adds. “It is much more important to formulate the criticism correctly. Few men can do that.” In his book, he quotes the American philosopher and social psychologist Daniel Dennet (81) who suggested the following steps for successful criticism:

1. You should try to make the other person’s position clear, descriptive, and fair enough for them to say, “Thanks, I wish I could phrase it that way.”
2. You should list the points you agree with (if it’s not particularly obvious).
3. You should talk about everything you learned from the other person.
4. Only then are you allowed to say a single word of objection or criticism.

“This may sound trite now,” Fray says. However, most heterosexual couples spend their free time at home in front of the TV watching sports programs that are actually only in the male interest. The woman agrees because she knows it’s the only way to spend time with him outside of everyday life. “It may work for years, but at some point it will probably get tired of it.” Therefore, it is important to maintain connection rituals. “Maybe it also means getting involved in something new. For example, in a drama that both of them are interested in.”

Source : Blick