How much should you fight for a relationship?

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Many people are stuck in a relationship that doesn’t fully satisfy them. You think you love your partner, but you fight often, and it’s a constant struggle to keep the relationship going. Instead of going our separate ways, we continue to fight. You don’t want to give up.

That’s also true because Dr. Rebekka Kuhn (32), couples counselor at the couples counseling and mediation association in the canton of Zurich, explains in an interview with Blick.ch: “If you’re going through a tough time in a relationship – even if the bad times outweigh the bad times for a while – you still have to keep the relationship going, Don’t give up too soon.” In such cases, you realize that the relationship is not being run the way you hoped or desired. The mediator recommends asking yourself if you did something right or what you could have done differently together. “Tough times are a sign that something needs to change.”

Only worth it if they both want to continue

A relationship is business. But when it turns into an all-out struggle to keep love alive, you have to ask yourself if it’s really worth it. It’s important to reflect in a crisis, says Kuhn. You have to ask yourself: What exactly are you fighting for? For a relationship that both partners want? If both want it, it’s worth giving it all again. You should look carefully and review your own mistakes. “It’s important to analyze your own contribution and what you could do better personally,” Kuhn says.

If the other partner no longer wants the relationship, it’s not worth spending so much energy anymore. So you’re fighting something you really have to accept, says Kuhn.

correct listening

If you’re in a crisis, one point is particularly important: “The important thing is to listen properly, rather than talk about it,” says couples counselor. The main thing is to simply let the other person say it and accept it. You shouldn’t react right away, but really listen. “Often the way a couple talks about their problems is not correct. They talk about it, but the road does not lead to understanding.”

The expert also recommends asking yourself how you handled other crises. One should ask oneself what helps to get rid of other problems. “Often you have had a crisis before. With the same or a different partner – what did you do back then to have good times again? For Kuhn, the highest discipline would be: If you manage to recognize the crisis together. If you are aware that you are in a crisis together and need to work on it, this would be an ideal situation.

disrespect and humiliation

But when there are deep wounds in a relationship, one should consider breaking up. “When something that can no longer be repaired keeps coming up,” Kuhn says. Or if there’s a lot of humiliation and disrespect in a relationship, it’s a sign that a breakup should be considered. “If you have lost respect for others, you have to ask yourself if you are in the right place.” If you are afraid of your partner or their reaction, you should also consider what is keeping you in the relationship.

And even if certain issues cannot be agreed upon, a future together is difficult. “If one spouse wants children and the other doesn’t, that could be a reason for separation.” In such cases, a breakup is usually not easy.

What’s next after a breakup?

If one of the partners decides to leave, but the other wants to continue the fight, then it is especially difficult to leave. Rebekka Kuhn (30) gives advice on how to move on as an injured person.

• Acceptance is the first step. Because the first stage after a breakup often involves the opposite: non-acceptance. “You don’t realize it yet or don’t want to admit it.” Then comes a period of anger. Strong emotions arise. This is followed by a period of mourning, in which the person realizes what they have lost and missed. But after all this time, you come to a point where you can move forward and move on with your life.
• “The knowledge that good things will come again after this emotional period can be helpful and comforting,” Kuhn says. Sometimes it’s okay even if you don’t want to hear it, like when friends say the grief will pass.
• It’s good to talk to others about your feelings. “There’s something healing about getting help or writing a journal,” Kuhn says. Voicing your thoughts or putting them down on paper is valuable advice. This could also be in the form of a letter that you never sent to the ex-partner.
• In the highly emotional stage, one must be careful not to completely shut down one’s mind. “You should avoid destroying your ex’s belongings or writing hate messages.”

Source : Blick