“Men tolerate loneliness more than women”

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I’m 53 years old and I think I’m having a midlife crisis!
Pasqualina Perrig Chiello: How do you perceive this?

The feeling that I no longer have much hope, that the train is leaving for many things, both professionally and privately.
So pure sadness! (Laughs.) In developmental psychology, we like to talk about crises between the ages of 45 and 55, not crises. If you look at the life satisfaction curve, on average it is at its lowest at this stage of life. But in principle, crises are not bad, quite the contrary.

From where?
It’s a sign that something needs to change. It’s a completely normal process at this age, middle age. Evaluate what I have accomplished in my life, what my real dreams are. Maybe you once wanted to be a singer or a pilot and things turned out differently.

But you can’t be a singer or a pilot at 50 anymore.
It’s about getting clear on how you want to shape the second half of your life. It’s important to change the mindset and stay open. A 50-year-old woman used to be very old, today you have a healthy average of 30 to 35 years ahead of you at that age, so it’s worth repositioning yourself.

Aren’t we always the same?
In our deepest being, yes, our personality is fixed around age 30. What has changed is our identity, that is, our roles in life. It is shaped by society and the negative images of aging still prevail, especially when it comes to women who are judged by their appearance – ageism and sexism equate to double discrimination. This is deeply rooted, a good example of which is art: old men are portrayed as kings and prophets, and old women as witches. Or have you ever seen a wrinkled Madonna?

How will I deal with it?
If you allow yourself to label yourself as a woman in this way, you have already lost. It is important to develop your own standards and let go of old self-images. This also includes the insight that the person no longer belongs to the youth. But if I still want red or green hair when I’m 70, that’s up to me. You often hear stubbornness in old age, I call it stubbornness. Thanks to life experience, at some point you will know what is good and bad for you and act accordingly.

At 70, you still wear a leather jacket!
Yes, I’ll be doing that when I’m 80. James Dean has always been my role model. (laughs). But then I probably won’t be giving lectures or interviews anymore. At some point you become more fragile and less efficient. You should also make room for the young people who will come.

What is your current project?
A book about the big transitions in life. First there is growing up, when you suddenly find yourself responsible for yourself from sheltered youth. Then comes middle age, retirement, and finally old age, you need help and you’re about to die. In the past these transitions were accompanied by rituals because they are often difficult processes with many uncertainties. You say goodbye to old, familiar roles and you need to find yourself in new roles.

At what stage of life do we do our best?
When you’re very young and you still have everything ahead of you and get old. Most hit bottom in middle age, then pick up again. The latter is referred to in science as the well-being paradox of old age.

How come?
Because most people think they get worse as they get older. I should have been totally depressed at the age of 70 then. Many have their best time when they retire, people leave behind professional stress and many family obligations and pass the test of crisis. You may lose your balance, you no longer have to please everyone. As a rule, in old age there are no longer such high demands on life, the person becomes more relaxed, humble and grateful.

His research area is the second half of life. How did you find this?
As a developmental psychologist, I initially dealt with childhood and adolescence in a very traditional way, until I joined an age study. Reluctantly at first. Dude, I didn’t think it was that sexy back then. But then I was deeply impressed by the interviews with very old people. Thanks to the research results, I realized this: If you want to understand the end of life, you must also examine the previous years.

Can I still set the route for old age at 50?
Definitely. This is well documented in research. For example, the duration of media consumption in middle age says something about the risk of dementia. Or health-related blood pressure values ​​in old age. Nothing comes out of nothing, I’ve been strength training for 30 years. Our survival is important, people need stimulation: socially, mentally and physically. And by that I don’t just mean lifelong learning and movement, I mean touching as well. And if you only get them in a massage.

What is the role of sexuality in old age?
You can’t really trust the studies, I don’t even think about half of them.

From where?
Because people cheat. Many are influenced by and exaggerate social expectations. In principle, it can be assumed that this was determined biographically. So if you put a lot of emphasis on your sex life when you were younger, you’ll do it later and vice versa. The gender gap in the surveys is interesting.

What did you notice?
When asked about sexual satisfaction, men are significantly less satisfied than women. When it comes to the relationship as a whole that women are not satisfied with, the situation is the opposite.

Doesn’t sexuality already decrease with age?
It changes. I think it’s nice to hear from older couples how their intimate lives have changed. That is, when sexuality becomes more and more tenderness. This is what we need for the rest of our lives: closeness and touch.

A few years ago, you took a close look at love in old age in a large-scale study.
It was known from the figures that most of the divorces took place around the age of 50. But why couples divorce after 20-30 years of marriage could only be guessed at that time.

What was your thesis?
I thought you broke up after a relationship for years just because of a new love. The most common reason for divorce is alienation. You have nothing more to say to each other, this is joint silence. It was confirmed that women brought the separation. Today, women are more independent than previous generations and are no longer stuck in unsatisfying marriages. And with the work, a myth disappeared.

Which?
A long marriage is a sign of a happy marriage. For the study, we interviewed several hundred couples who have been married for over 50 years: 42 percent turned out to be unhappy.

Why are you still together?
For fear of being alone, but also for loss of status. This is especially true for women. Another generation with little access to education and too late for politics.

What happens to men and women who get divorced at 50?
There are big differences. Men quickly return to a relationship whether they are abandoned or abandoned, and the same goes for widows, by the way. The main reason for this is that men tolerate loneliness less than women.

Do men deal with crises differently?
Women often have an advantage because they can talk to each other about their concerns. You get help earlier. Men are mostly quiet until they break out. It may be a burnout, or they may leave their job or family from one day to the next. We have set up a helpline for seniors living alone in Silbernetz Schweiz: 94 percent of calls are from women!

Are women more likely to be lonely as they get older, and why?
Yes. Because men have more options. A 60-year-old can marry a 35-year-old and start a family again. Conversely, it doesn’t work that easily, she.

Source : Blick