This is the 95th Oscars: Dirty and glitzy. Everything for the night of all nights!

Two questions arise ahead of the Oscars: 1. Will Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky give a speech? 2. Does the new champagne-coloured carpet live up to its promise of being more glamorous than the old red carpet?

1. No. The president of the awards ceremony said Ukraine as a whole is too white and therefore does not meet the Academy’s diversity requirements. Oooookay.

2. No. The new carpet is a disaster. Beige, white, silver, gold dresses don’t really stand out and above all, it looks dirty after a few minutes. It’s amazing what the stars stick to their shoes. Twigs, petals and just plain dirt. OK.

No one on the carpet seems to have heeded the Academy’s call for sustainability. Why should they, if the Academy itself doesn’t recycle old carpets? Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban, as always, can’t keep their hands off each other and have “brought our best friend’s son.” The son happens to star in «The Fabelmas». Leg splits are trendy. And white. Tragic about the carpet. Fortunately, the Kidmans like black.

Hugh Grant grabs a woman’s buttocks and Austin Butler (“Elvis”) and Barry Keoghan (“The Banshees of Inisherin”) hug and both can’t believe they’re here, as can Ke Huy Kwan (“Everything Everywhere All At Once» ) The Rock has opted for a rose champagne jacket, which doesn’t stand out better against the background (the carpet gives off the look of a worn registry office), and daddy sex god Pedro Pascal has gone for something very understated.

The color of the evening? Wearing Cate Blanchett. Let’s call her peacock blue. Her silhouette resembles a figurine. And Michelle Yeoh has braided a fairytale fine strand of diamonds in her hair.