Happy new crackers! (Sorry, Sandro, we need to talk!)

dear favorite person,

did i ever tell you how happy i am with you? It’s me. You are the hottest guy, the best buddy, the funniest sidekick and the most annoying soul with whom I want to celebrate life in all its facets and occasionally hate.

Sometimes I look sideways at you without you noticing. Did you know that you have two nasal hairs growing out of your left nostril? And did you know that more and more gray stubble is becoming visible on your chin and cheeks?

I think it’s all sex. Okay, not the nose hair.

I remember what you looked like when we first met. villain. Almost aged. smile dimple. Big hands, well-groomed nails. Zigi always behind the right ear. You were already wearing the green sports bag and it was already full of grass crumbs, dirty headphones and at least two or three used cigarette packs.

I love that it is still the same today.

i love you sandro i love you so much i can hardly believe i am writing you the following lines.

Sandro, I don’t want children. I know you want something. And I don’t know what that means for our future.

I thought long and hard very quickly about what was written here. I had sleepless nights. Lists of pros and cons written, endured silence to consciously hear what my innermost being says, feels, thinks.

And right there, my love, I realized what I had known for a long time: I do not desire children. That might be weird, since we both know how much I love all those potatoes around us. And how much I interact with them when they are there. And how happy they make me when they show me through children’s eyes how colorful and beautiful the world is. Then I always see you. How your heart beats when they climb on you, how they become cuddly when you read them stories and how good you feel when you paint, knead, play Fangis with them.

As much as I enjoy all these moments, as much as I see us as a family before my inner eyes and as sure as I am that we would be amazing parents, my desire to have children is one thing above all: a wish. I wish so much I would wish for children. With you. You, me, the potatoes. We’d be cheesier than any Toffifee commercial.

But we wouldn’t be free either. But freedom is exactly what I like most about you/us. I wasn’t even as free on my own as I am now by your side. I love that we live the way we live. That we don’t see each other for days. That we see each other for days. That everyone has their life. That we have a beautiful and fun life together. That everyone lives for themselves. That everyone has enough time and freedom for everything our heart and soul needs.

I love that we are allowed to cancel 10 minutes before the meeting point. I love that I can go home at 11 p.m. because I prefer to sleep alone and you don’t think that’s strange at all. I love that we can decide today that tomorrow we will quit our jobs and emigrate to Australia to care for sick baby koalas.

I don’t want to miss that, Sandro. I don’t want to change all that. I don’t want to have to backtrack for the next 20 years. Not our relationship, not me, and certainly not our sex. All the parents around me hardly ever fuck anymore. I cleaned it up. Imagine that. I do not want that. I want to sleep a lot with you forever and ever.

Sandro, I am aware that this is difficult. Which you have to digest first. Mainly because I know it sounded different when we talked about it. Let my words touch you. Take all the time in the world. And then let’s talk. In the meantime, I sincerely hope that our love will not be broken by different ideas about the future.

No matter what: you are my number 1 person.

deeply in love,
your Emma