Giving up or moving on…: How hard should you fight for a relationship?

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Many people get stuck in a relationship that doesn’t fully satisfy them. You think you love your partner, but you argue regularly and it’s a constant struggle to maintain the relationship. Instead of going your separate ways, you keep fighting. You don’t want to give up.

This is also true, Dr. Rebekka Kuhn (34), couples counselor at the Couples Counseling and Mediation Association of the Canton of Zurich, says: “If you are going through a difficult period in a relationship, you should not give up on the relationship immediately, even if the bad times continue for a while.” In such cases, you realize that the relationship is not going the way you hoped or wanted. The mediator then recommends asking yourself whether you did something right or what you could have done differently together. “Tough times are a sign that something needs to change.”

But if both want to continue, is it worth it?

A relationship is work. But if maintaining love becomes a real struggle, then you have to ask yourself if it’s all really worth it. Kuhn says it’s important to think in a crisis. You have to ask yourself these questions: What exactly are you fighting for? For a relationship that both partners want? If you both want this, then you might as well give it your all again. You should look closely and consider your own mistakes. “An important point is to analyze your own contribution and what you personally can do better,” says Kuhn.

If the other partner no longer wants the relationship, it’s no longer worth expending as much energy. Kuhn explains that you are then fighting against something that you actually have to accept.

proper listening

If you’re in a crisis, one point is especially important: “The important thing is not to talk about it, but to listen properly,” says the couples counselor. The important thing is to let go of what the other person is saying and accept it. You shouldn’t react to this immediately, but you should really listen. «Often the way a couple talks about their problems is not correct. They talk about it, but the path doesn’t lead to understanding.”

The expert also recommends asking yourself how you’ve overcome other crises. You should ask yourself what helped you get rid of other problems. “It’s usually when you’re already in a crisis. “What did you do to have good times again, with the same or a different partner?” According to Kuhn, the ultimate discipline will be this: If we manage to recognize the crisis together. If we both recognize that we are in a crisis and need to work on it, this would be the most appropriate situation.

Disrespect and humiliation

You should only consider leaving when there are deep wounds in a relationship. “When something keeps popping up that can no longer be repaired,” Kuhn says. Or if there is a lot of disdain and disrespect in a relationship, that’s a sign that you should consider leaving. “If you have lost respect for others, you should ask yourself if you are in the right place.” If you are afraid of your partner or their reaction, you should also consider what is still keeping you in the relationship.

Even if agreement cannot be reached on some issues, a common future is difficult. “If one spouse wants children and the other never does, this may be a reason for separation.” In such cases, separation is often not easy.

What happens after a breakup?

If one partner decides to leave while the other wants to continue the fight, then it is especially difficult to give up. Rebekka Kuhn has advice on how to move on with life as a wounded person.

• Acceptance is the first step. Because the first stage after a breakup essentially involves the opposite: non-acceptance. “You don’t realize it yet, or you just don’t want to admit it.” A period of anger follows. Strong emotions emerge. This is followed by a mourning phase in which you realize what you have lost and what you miss. Only after all this time has passed do you come to a point where you can look forward and move on with your life.
• “Knowing that good things will come after this emotional time can be helpful and provide comfort,” says Kuhn. Even if you don’t want to hear it sometimes, for example from your friends who say the pain will go away, it’s still good.
• It’s good to talk about your feelings with others. “There is something healing about getting help or writing in a journal,” says Kuhn. Expressing your thoughts or putting them on paper is valuable advice. This could also be in the form of a letter that you never sent to your ex-partner.
• You should be careful not to completely shut down your mind during the overly emotional stage. “You should avoid destroying your ex-partner’s belongings or writing hateful messages.”

Source : Blick