Psychologist and family therapist tackle a taboo topic in families: Are parents allowed to have a favorite child?

According to psychologist Jon Schmidt, who specializes in family therapy, every family system is based on balance. It resembles a hanging mobile you find on children’s beds: “The different parts of this mobile do not have to have the same shape or the same location, but each part guarantees its own balance,” explains the expert. Some roles are more difficult to fulfill, but are still necessary to maintain family balance.

What do these roles look like? Jon Schmidt gives the example of parents with two children: “If one of the children plays the role of the free thinker, often challenging the parents and thus ‘disrupting’ the family system, his brother or sister will in turn develop a more social personality to keep the balance of the mobile phone.” .”

When the structure becomes unstable

In a so-called “functioning” family, family members sometimes take up a thankless place in keeping everything in balance. So what happens when the system hits a dead end and suddenly a child seems to be to blame for everything? Jon Schmidt explains that there is then talk of a “child with symptoms.” “These families are stuck in the belief that nothing can change unless the problem child changes,” He adds.

In such a case, group therapy can help resolve the situation. “The therapist helps family members change their point of view, look at the general situation from a different angle and, above all, distinguish the feelings of each individual,” explains the psychologist.

But what if parents have more in common with one of their children? Are they allowed to do this? “It’s such a taboo thought and it’s hard to give yourself the right to have it. This was never explicitly stated in my advice. Instead, parents who believe they are experiencing such an asymmetry use phrases like, ‘That’s a really awful thought, but…'” says Jon Schmidt.

The expert explains that there are different types of love and as many ways to express them. For example, a parent once told her, “I didn’t develop any affection for this child because he never wanted to hug. We love watching TV together, but that would be impossible with my other child who loves me so much.” This view is somewhat reminiscent of the five love languages ​​theory so popular among couples therapists. Jon Schmidt suggests that real, lasting preferences rarely exist. No parent would ever say, “I prefer one of my children. I have decided to do this and nothing can change that.”

Less equality, more justice

The psychologist instead calls for a move from equality to justice: “We do not all have the same needs at the same time. So you have to try to strike a balance: at a certain time one child gets more, then the other child gets more. But this approach needs to be used for a longer period of time , otherwise you’re stuck with balance accounting. “This is neither realistic nor desirable,” Schmidt says.