She left slower than she came

It happened! I had sex. As soon as the year started, there was a woman in my bed. I think that’s a good sign. According to my horoscope, Hanna read it to me, even though I don’t believe in horoscopes and neither does she, at least that’s what she says and then she always reads my horoscope to me when she sees it somewhere and when I get annoyed. she says ‘typical Gemini’ even though she doesn’t actually know what ‘typical Gemini’ is and, above all, as she says, she doesn’t believe in constellations and all that astrological stuff anyway. But she also says that if there is a problem, Mercury is the problem, and I’m sure she knows absolutely nothing about Mercury. (In case you want to drop this on your next Astrotalk: Mercury is the smallest planet in our solar system, but the fastest. It takes just 88 days to orbit the sun once.)

Because I know how much you love detailed backstories – and then really short main stories – here it is, wrong, here’s the front story. Some of you are also very attached to the Valentina story and accuse me of being an infantile and commitment-shy guy because I stopped seeing her because of a sports bra, but then contacted her again after a months-long drought . . Valentina is not back in Switzerland yet. Nowadays, thanks to the pandemic, you can just extend your vacation and say you’re working from home somewhere on the beach. She’ll let you know when she’s there. I believe her. Otherwise she wouldn’t have had to write if she wanted to ghost me.

The backstory, let’s keep it short: I met her at the New Year’s Eve party, same procedure as every year, Hanna invited dozens of people, it’s a mystery to me how she knows so many people and can stay in touch with them all, but anyway, for me. That’s okay, at least there was a woman there. Attractive, friendly, dimples, I like it. She was from Paris, new in town, and Hanna told her I should show her around the city, a nice move on Hanna’s part, she knew about my sexual frustration and behaved in the best feminine way. Two days later we walked through Niederdorf in Zurich.

You are never there in Zurich if you live in Zurich. I wouldn’t set foot on these cobblestone streets if I didn’t have someone new in town with me. I’ve said all kinds of things about Zurich, I think half of them were half right, but I’ve always stated that. The French woman walked next to me, slowly at first, then ultra slowly. I know I generally run quite fast. Probably depends on the size. For others, one step is two. But you won’t believe me, but here’s the thing: I can adapt. I have learned that. However, the French woman walked so slowly, I have never walked next to someone who walked so slowly in my life.

It took us two hours from Bellevue to Central. And we didn’t stop. We just walked through it. IN TWO HOURS. But that’s why I didn’t want to give up. I have good intentions, I don’t just blow them away. And other than walking slowly, everything was fine.

We went to my house. She took out three, I’m not exaggerating, three smartphones. One of these is making telephone conversations. One is music. And people have data, so Instagram and things like that. She wanted to sue everyone. (Guys, why does someone have three cell phones? How complicated is this person? But what difference does that make after four months without sex?) We drank 0.00% beer, she was okay with me not drinking, and then she did Smartphones were at 73%, we had sex.

Now I know what you are thinking, but no: that was not me, dear people, it was not me who came so quickly. I’ve only experienced this once in my life and to this day I’m not entirely sure if she really had an orgasm or if she just faked it, but I don’t know any other woman who came after a few minutes. I can’t tell if it was three, four or five minutes, but it was a few minutes. We had sex two more times and she came twice faster. Really fantastic. Seeing her again doesn’t seem like a good idea to me. It wasn’t really exciting for her and Valentina will be back in a week.

On that note: Happy New Year. May the comment section break new records.

So long,

Ben