Sexologist explains: Can sex toys help address a lack of desire in a relationship?

“Before buying a sex toy, you should talk about it with your partner,” says Boehm. Otherwise, there is a risk of overwhelming and unsettling the other party. “Some people are afraid that something is missing in bed if their girlfriend or boyfriend suddenly comes home with a sex toy.” According to the expert, you can clarify these points in a conversation and find out if your partner is also curious about trying a sex toy. “The ideal situation is for both to feel anticipation and see the sex toy as an additional opportunity to give each other pleasure.”

“In a long-term relationship where you develop routines and desires diminish, sex toys can breathe new life into your sex life,” says Boehm. Trying out erotic toys is associated with a certain excitement you may have felt in the early stages of a relationship. “You’re suddenly trying to place a vibrator in the right place or put on a cock ring and suddenly you’re giggling together in bed again.” According to experts, a vibrator can also serve an important function, especially for women who cannot reach orgasm during sex. According to the expert, it would be naive to pin too much expectation and hope on a sex toy. “A toy can’t solve deep sex or relationship problems; it’s just an extension of what’s already beautiful.”

Boehm says couples are often very ambitious. “You choose the toy that is popular with other couples or the best seller on a website.” This doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right for you. For this reason, the expert initially advises against toys (such as anal plugs or strap-on dildos) that will cause major changes in the person during sex. “The moment you want to use them yourself, they can seem intimidating.”

“I advise couples to choose a sex toy that they feel good about right away,” says Boehm. The best way to understand what it is is not to choose a toy online, but to go to the store together and buy various objects. “It is extremely helpful to feel what surfaces or vibration levels feel comfortable.” The expert found that when choosing sex toys, people quickly figure out what they want to try and what they don’t. Whether you choose springs, clamps, a finger vibrator with which you can stimulate all parts of your partner’s body, or a vibrating cock ring as your first toy, it is very personal.

The expert says it may feel awkward at first to use the new object during sex. “Groping usually creates less pressure if you include the sex toy in foreplay several times.” According to Boehm, after sex you should also talk about what you liked and what you liked less. “If the person cannot handle the sex toy at all, I advocate accepting that limit and putting the toy aside for now.” There may come a time when you feel ready to give the sex toy another chance.