Can You Spot Narcissists When Dating? These are the alarm signals

“Clear: narcissism!” This is increasingly the explanation for romantic failures. Those who used to be labeled as unsuitable and usually simply singled out are now quickly earning the label of narcissism through self-googled signs. But is it really that simple? Are we using the term too lightly – or are narcissistic traits really becoming more common??

Far from the long-distance diagnoses of any layman, we probably meet people with overt narcissistic personality disorder more often in our dating lives than we would like. However, because every person carries a certain degree of narcissism, the question is: how can we identify the warning signs in time so that we can protect ourselves?

We spoke about this with Katharina Eder. She is a systematic therapist and alternative practitioner for psychotherapy and mainly works with couples and individual clients with relationship and attachment problems. She talked to us about the differences between unpleasant behavior and narcissistic traits.

In fact, you can sense strong narcissistic traits in the other person even in the early dating phase: «People with strong narcissistic traits often have a very confident appearance that comes across as impressive. If you may be fascinated by this self-confidence, that is a first indication to be careful,” explains Katharina Eder.

Of course, it could also just be a very confident person who is not nervous on the first date. Therefore, you should take a closer look at the following:

This is then intensified over the course of the getting-to-know-you phase: “As the first meeting turns into a more intensive dating phase, you are showered with kind words, affection and behavior or even gifts. The so-called love bombings.”

Lovebombing is a widespread form of manipulation, in which the other person is initially showered with love and then withdrawn again a short time later. This psychological game often leaves the “Faithbombed” completely unsettled. It is often used in romantic relationships, but also occurs in friendships or even work relationships.

So should you be afraid of becoming a victim of love bombing if you enter into a passionate relationship? Or could it simply be that the other person is really head over heels in love?

«A healthy relationship is built on reciprocity. It can be difficult to tell whether someone wants to commit to you out of self-interest or manipulative reasons, or is really in love,” says Katharina Eder. »People with ADHD or an emotionally unstable personality disorder can also engage in love bombing.

If there seems to be a threat that affection will be withdrawn once the person dislikes something, caution is advised, Eder warns:

Moreover, the duration of the outpouring of love reveals a lot: “True affection does not fade away as quickly as it came. If you feel devalued, that is a sign to leave.” But in order not to feel affected by the bombardment of every small conflict, Katharina Eder recommends trusting your own feelings and “getting to know people calmly” and “listening to your own intuition”.

Because as long as the affection feels good, it should be enjoyed fully and not overshadowed by insecurities. “It is more important to pay attention to the points that become unpleasant or hurtful,” the therapist explains. People with narcissistic personality disorder usually act like crazy and leave those around them mentally damaged, while not feeling affected or guilty themselves.

“People with a narcissistic personality disorder rarely seek help,” explains Katharina Eder. There is also a difference in severity: “People who do not meet the criteria for a personality disorder, but still have strong traits, are even more common.”

Of course, narcissistic personality disorder is not just a phenomenon of recent years, but we have been using this term much more generously for some time now. Katharina Eder finds an explanation for the inflationary use of the term: “People like to try to understand things. It is important for you to find a cause and a name. “Also to protect yourself.”

Not every unpleasant behavior is a sign of narcissism, it’s more about the dominant character traits: “I think everyone acts like an asshole sometimes. But a narcissist almost always does this. He can’t do anything else and that’s the big difference.”

But there is another indication that points to people with a pronounced narcissistic personality disorder: «People with narcissistic personality disorder have problems in all areas of life – not just in the romantic relationship,” says Eder, adding:

However, you shouldn’t throw the term around just because it doesn’t fit. A relationship can also fail because of other things; you also have to ask yourself, “Sometimes you’re just not right for each other. Communication problems, certain situations or character traits can escalate in such a way that a conflict arises. And then it is often easier to call someone a narcissist than to call yourself a narcissist and admitting that you contributed to the conflict.

But what do you do if you are already in the middle of a relationship with a narcissistic person? Confront or leave in silence? Katharina Eder says: