Writer Saralisa Volm on role models, bikini bodies and the inability to orgasm: “We rarely see men pleasuring women orally”

I recently saw a billboard for a gym. A woman in a bikini is seen sitting on a spinning bike. The text reads: “Are you fit for bikini season?” Message: A woman should trim her body before showing it off.
This has a lot to do with wanting to like and having to like.

What do you want to say?
Women should want and please those who make decisions. They will be told how they should look as long as they do not have equal rights and are dependent on their husbands for their care in their old age. Research shows that people who constantly see photos of perfectly beautiful people, such as women in bikinis, become depressed. This is intentional because feelings of inadequacy lead us to buy things we don’t need.

After all, the body positivity movement allows women with a wide variety of body types to be seen in ads.
Yes, but the term body positivity still puts pressure on us. He says: You have to love yourself now. Think you’re great. Accept your wrinkles. At the end of the day I often had the feeling that someone was trying to sell me something again, a dress, a cream.

They prefer the term body neutrality. What do you mean by this?
You don’t have to think you’re great. You can look in the mirror and say to yourself: Great, you can actually see that you were out late yesterday and now you’re up at six. So what? I don’t need positive affirmations or half an hour of face yoga right now. I don’t need an extra super self-care session, I’m going to go out now, I don’t care. The important thing is not to have this attitude all the time, but to say this from time to time: My appearance is not the most important thing right now.

In your book “Eternal Inadequacy” you write that the demand for perfection in the female body is becoming more and more absurd. In what way?
We, women, now fill positions that were previously reserved for men. The woman’s body should also have working, serious and constructive qualities. In the evening, there should be a mother’s body, a body that requires care, a sexy, attractive super body. A good body requires exercise, keeping oneself young, and standing up to comparisons. As soon as I mention it, you understand: It can’t be done in one day.

For a long time, the perfect body was ideal for you too. You suffered from bulimia when you were young. It is an individual destiny, but you see that it is determined systematically. Please explain.
Girls learn from childhood that good looks are the path to happiness, money and independence for women. Accordingly, an eating disorder is often a form of self-therapy for women who are dissatisfied with themselves. The so-called solution is this: I just need to become beautiful, and then I will be fine. This is socially accepted: at the beginning of anorexia you get compliments. With bulimia, where losing weight is not necessarily required, there is almost no positive feedback from the outside, but a moment of great satisfaction is experienced from the inside.

Your sentence “The feeling of physical inadequacy is intentional” is at the center of your book. Isn’t this realization so frustrating?
Extremely angry! But it’s also liberating.

In what way?
When you understand that my dissatisfaction with my body benefits so many people, that I can make a lot of money with that dissatisfaction, then that’s a huge, liberating realization.

You became a mother for the first time at the age of 24. Has the pressure to look good diminished during pregnancy?
In fact, other topics took up much more space: How do you design and finance a life with children?

Where do you begin to give your children a loving view of their own bodies?
There are a few things I think are important. One thing is to avoid body shaming. Letting kids choose their clothes. I’m not telling you what someone can wear to look slimmer or more masculine.

What else?
Learning body limits. Children should know that their bodies belong to them. But it was also a long process for me as a mother.

What do you want to say?
As parents, we often act very aggressively. Even if the child has difficulty, we comb his hair, force him into the jacket, and push him aside. For decades, it was common practice to require children to kiss their relatives. In doing this, we teach children to push their limits to please someone else.

In your book, you describe how, as a 15-year-old, your classmate raped you at a house party. They didn’t know that you don’t owe anyone sex, that sex shouldn’t be demanded. Is setting boundaries around sexuality something you already discuss in your family?
It’s not that easy because kids don’t necessarily want to talk about sex with their parents. But we maintain a relatively high level of openness, for example talking about depictions of sexuality in art. We teach our children the name of their genitals and that there is nothing to be ashamed of about them. We know from research on sexual violence that it is even harder to tell someone an assault has occurred if the circumstances are lacking. Meanwhile, the issue of perceived physical inadequacy is also reflected in sexuality.

How?
Keyword “Orgasm Gap”: Women climax much less frequently than men during heterosexual sex. A man once wrote to me that it was inherently designed that way. How ridiculous.

In your book, you say that you had your first orgasm when you were 35.
I have definitely had very bad sexual experiences and unsatisfied sexuality. Then there was a phase where I actually thought everything was fine, but I couldn’t orgasm. At this stage, we jointly researched some things. This made me ask myself: Am I really hurt, or do I just not know how to do it yet?

Girls are taught more about birth control than about women’s pleasure.
When we see sex in movies, we mostly see penetrative sex that occurs in a way that most heterosexual women cannot reach orgasm. We often see oral sex, but rarely do we see men pleasuring women orally or with their hands. We also don’t talk about sex enough. It’s not like mom, dad, or grandma explaining how the clitoris works.

Are young women communicating more openly with each other?
I recently watched a documentary about girls in Berlin discussing their sexuality. I am surprised that we have not progressed further and at the dismal statements coming from very young women.

What did the girls say?
They think that they can tolerate sex for now, that it is normal, that they do not enjoy it, and that everything will get better over time. Women are constantly told that they need to be ready for sex, but at the same time, it does not feel as good as it is made out to be. This is destructive and bad for overall body image. You have the impression that there is something wrong with your body. This creates the need to change it.

Confronting your body has taken an activist turn in recent years: You’ve posted photos on Instagram of genital hair peeking through your panties, acne on your face, and unshaven armpits and legs. What did you mean by that?
It started with a limited-time project that wasn’t just about bodies, but about making imperfections and failure visible every day. This is now reflected in my normal life.

As an actress, the pressure to be beautiful is very high. Was the action also a move of liberation?
Yes, they definitely go hand in hand. But first, I created something that I would want to see myself on Instagram.

What were the reactions?
I’ve received so much support, especially for stories I was afraid to publish at first. For example, the morning after pill. But I also received messages from men: “Behave and shave.” It had to do with my pubic hair, which wasn’t shaved perfectly.

How is your relationship with your body today?
I don’t care how I look, but I’m more relaxed. I don’t rule out my jaw clenching at some point, but I feel a different responsibility. And: If I look at amazing views on Instagram for three days, I will definitely answer this question differently if I have to walk past ads for a fitness studio all day.