Tips from psychiatrist and bestselling author Pablo Hagemeyer: How to recognize a narcissistic boss?

Narcissistic bosses are a theme in your books. How do you recognize them??

You can tell if you have a narcissistic boss by looking at the prevailing culture at work. If things aren’t transparent and no one really knows which path the department is taking, that could be a sign. Narcissistic bosses pursue selfish goals. As a person, you want to look good. When employees criticize, such superiors absolutely do not tolerate it and punish those who criticize directly or indirectly.

How can employees defend themselves against this?

If you’re unhappy with one of your decisions, I suggest this tactic: Tell your boss what he’s good at and what a good manager he is. Narcissists are very open to compliments. This can be flattering. In the second step, tell your boss that you fear his decision could damage his personal reputation. This tactic is called Trojan horse or swallow aid.

Narcissism is a trending topic, your books on it are among the bestsellers. What fascinates people about the subject?

The election of Donald Trump increased interest. There has never been anything like this in history for a man with a toxic, narcissistic personality to gain so much power in a democratic country. At the time, I felt that most of society was initially silent about this incident. The term is now established and society is more aware of it.

The term “gaslighting” is often used in connection with narcissism. What does it mean?

One person casts doubt on the other person’s perception of reality. He does this so subtly that over time the other person no longer knows what to believe. For example, I remember a patient who found a model of women’s sunglasses that did not belong to her on the dashboard of her husband’s car. When She confronted him, he said those were his glasses. She probably forgot that these were her glasses. At one point she got suspicious because the man repeatedly said those were his glasses and she agreed with him.

What can you do in such a situation?

It’s difficult to defend yourself against gaslighting in a relationship if you’re not familiar with this phenomenon. My patient finally separated from her husband after twenty years. I recommend everyone listen to their instincts when getting to know someone. Even if someone gave me excessive compliments, I would be careful.

Fraudsters like the so-called Tinder scammer have inadvertently popularized terms like “love bombing,” “future spoofing,” and “floating.” What’s the problem?

“Love bombing” means when someone you just met showers you with exaggerated expressions of affection. It flatters your pride so much that people do things that contradict you. For example, moving into a shared apartment with someone you barely know. If the same person simultaneously talks about a shared future without being serious, then he is committing a “future fraud”. Narcissists sometimes “wander” when they are abandoned. They try to “draw their partner in” again by showing them how wonderful their time together was. This is where keeping a relationship journal helps. With the help of this, you can remind yourself that the relationship is not just great.