Second Chance After Infidelity: How Couples Overcome Infidelity

Disappointed, hurt, disgusted, betrayed or manipulated are just some of the feelings people can have towards their partner if they have been unfaithful. For many, an affair is the end.

Others still love each other, don’t want to give up and are looking for a way back to each other. But that is often easier thought than done, after all, an affair shakes the relationship of trust to the bone. How do you find your way out of the pain and back into the relationship? Is there a second chance after infidelity?

We talked about it with Julia Henchen. She is a sexologist in Germany and author of the book Lustfaktor. In an interview with Watson, she reports on what she observes in her work with countless couples.

“The good news is: there are definitely ways back to the relationship,” she says right at the beginning. “I have already guided many couples who got back together after an infidelity. But it’s really hard work.”

There is no quick solution, because dealing with infidelity is difficult because at least one of the parties involved is insecure. Julia Henchen: “The basis of trust has been shaken enormously and that also makes communication very complicated afterwards.”

Talks often went in circles at first, with numerous details being demanded from the impostor. A typical pattern, she reports:

While this is “an exciting phenomenon therapeutically,” says Henchen, it doesn’t help the couple any further: “Obviously, when you’re stuck like that, it becomes difficult for you to see into the future.”

Another thing she noticed at work. “I have also found in my practice that the third person, i.e. the affair, is not as important to the cheating person as it is to the person who has been cheated on,” continues the sex educator.

Was she funnier than me? He sportier? Brunette? Blond? A colleague or a party acquaintance? The interest in the third person makes sense, but much less important than the cuckold thinks, Henchen explains. She explains:

When the focus is finally back on the couple and no longer on the affair, the real relationship work begins. The answer to the question “How did this happen?” can get “very complex,” says Henchen, “Sometimes the deficits the fraudster has tried to make up for go back to childhood.”

The reasons for infidelity are varied and must be considered individually. However, in the cases that happen to her in practice, it is usually not about maliciously hurting the partner with the infidelity.

“Couples come to me wanting to stay together and most of them had no conscious intention of hurting their loved ones, but they accepted it willingly,” says Julia Henchen. The clear will to work on this problem together and with professional help is a good sign.

A second chance at love? The therapist believes they definitely exist, but it will be difficult for both parties in between. “Accepting this injury and working on a better solution for the future is exhausting,” she says, “but it is absolutely possible.”