“Golden cheaters”: traditions of marriage in Iran and how girls earn stars from them

Kristina Boschcheh has been blogging “Mom, I’m in Iran” for several years. The blogger promotes this country for tourists and tells how she gets to know the intricacies of the local mentality herself. Specially for VOICE, Christina told the most interesting facts.

It all started when our heroine met an Iranian named Mamat, who, although with an accent, spoke Russian fluently. The meeting between the girl from Khabarovsk and the resident of Tehran took place in a bar in Japan, where Boschek had flown on vacation.

By the way, the Land of the Rising Sun disappointed Christina, even though she had lived there with Mamat, already in a relationship, for several years. However, Iran plunged into the heart and continues to amaze, because in the closed country there are always a lot of creative people, in whose work there is both the spirit of rebellion and respect for ancient traditions.

At first, everything was not so simple. Upon arriving in the Iranian capital of Tehran, Christina sobbed many times, not understanding what her new relatives and society as a whole wanted from her. Unlike Mamat, who almost immediately became “Russian”, giving her father a bottle of cognac and her mother a Persian carpet, Kristina did not understand Iranian traditions for a long time and goes out in public. It seemed that one could only look like an old woman in a headscarf, and eating in a restaurant was uncomfortable and unusual.

However, it was not only the compulsory wearing of a headscarf that frightened public places at first. For one thing, everyone is wary of foreigners because the country was already closed before the pandemic and you rarely see tourists on the streets. Iranians can come to take pictures, easily ask about the brand of perfume or jeans. And such curiosity is in no way meant to offend…

Second, Iranians talk very loudly – both to their partner at the next table and on the phone as they pass by. After quiet Japan, where it is not customary to advertise one’s feelings, but to communicate in a half-whisper, so as not to disturb the peace of others in any way, such behavior seemed very strange and challenging.

But this turned out to be only one of the signs of the broad-mindedness of Iranians, who are very hospitable and warm. So much so that this national trait first sank into rigidity.

Mamat’s relatives accepted Kristina very sincerely. The future mother-in-law immediately said that if the daughter-in-law loves her son as much as she does, then everything else does not matter to her – neither nationality, nor religion, nor appearance, although she herself is a very religious person and wears closed clothes. The future father-in-law also fell in love with his son’s bride with all his heart and now runs to the market for fresh fruit every time especially for her.

Mamat has three sisters and a brother, as well as many second cousins. Everyone communicates, visits, helps with money at a difficult time in life and stands up for each other. Kristina had to get acquainted with everyone, despite the fact that somehow, seeing another distant relative enter the house, Mamat nodded at the guest and quietly admitted to the bride that he did not remember his name …

Of course, for the Russian bride in every house they threw a feast with a mountain and tried to surprise and feed. Kebab, fragrant crumbly rice with saffron, gormeh sabzi, shirazi salad – this is just a small list of dishes of traditional Persian cuisine. Running a marathon is not for everyone. Christina eats very little and Iranian hospitality has become a real test for her. If the relatives saw that she had not tried a dish, the lady of the house went to the kitchen and prepared a new one for her. At the same time, she kept a close eye on Christina’s plate and kept putting food on it. Mamat tried to explain that his fiance liked everything very much and was just eating, but the owners were offended and did not understand.

The most serious disagreements occurred between relatives in the village. They roasted lamb to meet Mamata’s bride. But Christina could no longer eat, and even burst into tears in the bedroom assigned to her and her fiancé – she did not want to go downstairs at all. I had to patiently explain to everyone that a guest cannot eat continuously and only drink tea with everyone.

Another special tradition in Iran is taarof, a local form of politeness (roughly translated as “ceremonial sincerity”). If you admire a piece of furniture or a local’s wardrobe, they will immediately offer you the item as a gift.

When Kristina was praising sister Mamata’s earrings, she took them off without hesitation and placed them in her hand saying, “Take it!” The jewelry was gold and obviously cost a lot, so such a sudden gift seemed strange. Mamat immediately whispered in the Russian bride’s ear to return the earrings.

Next time, the groom’s aunt “gave” Christine an expensive vase standing in the hallway in the same way, which she praised by the way. The aunt even packed a piece of furniture in a bag, and it was not clear how to respond to such an offer, because Mamat had already gone down to the car park. As a result, the mother-in-law lightly slapped Christina on the arm and told her in Persian, “Stop it!”

If the bride took the thing for herself, then she would simply not be understood. Bad rumors would spread right there. Known to Christina, also a Russian-speaking girl who married an Iranian, her relatives once gave her a carpet, which she took with her. Then her husband returned the matter to his relatives and apologized to them for a long time.

The taarof form of etiquette is so common in Iran that even in a store, the seller will tell you the price of this or that product: “It doesn’t cost you anything.” Local taxi drivers may refuse the money you hold for the fare for the first time. All this is an element of a kind of polite game, and basically you get used to it and with time you stop paying attention. Taxi drivers no longer play this game with foreigners, as there are frequent cases where they left without paying.

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Mamat and Kristina have yet to arrange a grand wedding, which has caused another wave of confusion among local relatives. But at the conclusion of marriage (called nikah) in Iran, it turned out that the bride is protected by mehriya – gold coins that the husband is obliged to pay to his wife in case of divorce. At the same time, the price of one such coin is quite high – about 500 dollars.

Various numbers of coins are recorded as the mehriya, but a number equal to the bride’s year of birth is particularly common. Of course, there were also disinterested girls who, like Mehriya, asked to copy the Koran by hand 20 times. But much more often men, intoxicated with love, insisted on entering a huge amount of coins into the contract.

So, over the last 10-15 years, mehriye has become a way for some women to earn money. The girl could record the coins according to the date of birth, for example, 1980, and a month later she filed for divorce. If the unfortunate husband could not pay the mehriya, he was sent to prison.

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At some point, Iranian prisons were overcrowded with victims of “gold scammers” and a law was passed at the state level that limited the mehriya to 110 coins. However, this amount is also significant for local residents, as it can be used to buy an apartment in the south of Tehran. That is why there is now talk of limiting the mehriya to 14 coins.

Of course, if you don’t take the “golden scammers” as an example, a woman in Iran is protected by society and the law. For example, a man cannot get married if he does not have an apartment. But even just renting a house in Tehran is a very unprofitable story. To get the right to rent, you need to pay 8-10 thousand dollars. With a monthly salary of $250, this accumulation turns into a star quest.

In Iran, it is not customary to sign on the sly, therefore, after arranging housing, which already lies with the bride’s family, you will have to save for the celebration itself, where all the relatives gather. Of course, the wedding guests will give the young a lot of gifts – massive bracelets, chains and other jewelry made of yellow gold without stones. This precious metal is very popular in Iran, even if you do not take into account coins, so a married woman will always have her own gold capital to help in difficult times.

Also read: The most expensive, scandalous and secret weddings of 2021